Grieving Myself

When I had my first child I realized that I was losing a lot of freedom. I still had so many things I wanted to with myself. A lifetime of experiences that I longed to have. Of coarse one look at her beautiful little face and it was okay, I knew I could put some of those things on hold. I divided those future experiences into two priorities, the "could waits", and the "can't waits". I tucked the "can't waits" into an imaginary box and shoved them way, way back under the bed. I took a giant, deep breathe and I adjusted.

Then I had child number 2 and closely after followed number 3. I took the box out from under the bed and quickly opened it so that I could put more "could waits" in and not let the others jump out and taunt me, they had been couped up in there a long time and where anxious to get out and run wild.

Child 4 and 5 arrived and of course I again added to my box. Then just as I started feeling sorry for myself, child 5 started to get a little bigger and more independent. I had more time to organize, clean and get things running pretty smoothly. I realized that he was soon going to be in school and I would gain back a little of my freedom. Maybe, just maybe I could allow myself a peek into my box and turn one of my "could waits" into a "right now".

So, I waited for a quiet moment and reached under the bed for my box. I had so much excitement and anticipation as I blew the dust off of my waiting dreams. I started thinking about all the things I had stored in there and what I should do first. Then just as I was about to open it, I knew... it still was not my time. I put it under my bed, but not so far back this time. I wanted to be able to see it still. And I did what I knew I was supposed to do.

Now, I added 2 more children and child Number 4 and 5 took on the new role of 6 and 7. I love all 7 of them dearly and they are the joy of my soul. I know that they are all worth so much more then any of those dreams waiting in my special box. However, as I would play and read with them I found myself stealing glances of my box. The "could waits" started to feel more like the "what if's" or the "why me's". For a few weeks I felt sad, almost angry for the freedom that I felt was so close but then pushed so far away. I was grieving for a ME that I once thought I would be. Not only did I feel like my own freedom was further away I felt I had entered a new realm of chaos and could not even plant my feet on a firm, clean kitchen floor, ever again. I felt I had lost myself...forever.

I knew what I had to do and I pushed that box as far back as I could, even piled a few things on top of it. A little voice assured me that I would one day get to open that box again. I might have to go through it and figure out what to keep and what to let go of but I will get to open it. The ME I had anticipated, the ME I was grieving for, is nothing in comparison to the Me that HE is sculpting me into. I know that the things I am doing now are to big to ever fit into that little silly box and I know that looking at my 7 beautiful dreams that once were "can't waits" but turned into "right now's" where the best things I ever did, even though they do come with a lot of laundry.

Then I took a giant, deep breathe and I started to adjust. But, I'm not trying to adjust my life to my old normal, I'm adjusting myself to a new normal.

A Forever Family

On July 2, 2011 we were sealed to our new little guys. It was a beautiful ceremony. It could not have been more perfect! Now their journey to become part of a forever family is truly complete. After the sealing we went swimming and then topped the day off with a huge fireworks show at the city park. Everyone turned out to support us, even the city put on a huge fair complete with a Ferris wheel and cotton candy...okay, okay...all that may have been for the Fourth of July holiday but the boys don't know that. They think it was all for them. Fireworks were a new experience for them. Big man loved them with every ounce of his being. Little man had mixed emotion. Blowing things up and creating a spectacle is totally up his ally. However, they were a little louder and larger then he was ready to deal with. To quote Rapunzel in the Big Mans favorite movie 'Tangled'...This was the "BEST DAY EVER!!!!!"

The next Sunday was Fast and Testimony meeting. Little stud man was determined to bare his testimony to the congregation. In our house we have a rule that you can't say whatever anyone else says. You have to talk about your own experiences not repeat the usual child's testimony. If you have ever been to a LDS fast and testimony meeting you know what I mean. It goes something like this..."I wanna bare my testimony and I know the church is true and I love my mom and dad and brothers and sisters and I'm thankful for the prophet."

So Stud Man went by himself to the front of congregation and waited for the Bishop to lower the mic and get the stool (mind you, he is 3 years old but there is reason I call him stud man. He has an air of coolness all about him.) He looked out over all the people and said "I love Fireworks and I know Jesus Loves me." It was so stinking sweet! Then Big Man felt he should share something which made me nervous since I seem to be the only one who can understand him here. Yet, I could not deny him this chance. I walked him to the front and he went to the mic. He said a lot that I could not understand but I could tell he was feeling the sweet spirit and was trying to express it. Everyone could understand "Mommy and Daddy" "Married" and "Temple" and you could see the happiness in him which pulled at everyones heart strings and left no dry eye. He set a perfect feeling for the rest of the meeting. Others bore testimony of adoption and temples and it was just a great meeting.

I am truly grateful for the Ward that I am in. The love my boys have felt and the understanding everyone has had since so many adoption have happened in our area. I am grateful my children, though still a minority, aren't alone with other friends who look like them.

Just Grateful, Grateful, Grateful!

A New Life

This is a hard Job! I am totally drained, exhausted! Truth is, everyone is in transition right now, not just the two boys. Everyones world is being ROCKED in a big way. It's a new life for all of us. We have already had huge moments of complete chaos. One of them poured a cup of root beer in our fish bowl (amazingly it lived), someone took a dookie on their closet floor last night (not kidding), someone even got lost at church and decided that they should find a new family (our friend found him sitting in another wards sacrament with a very confused family). We have already shed many tears, screamed our guts out and laughed a lot. It's all good! I see progress everyday, although I know it will take years to fully help them heal and adjust. But all in all, its all good.

One of the fun things is seeing the world through their eyes. Things I have overlooked my entire life, like magic doors that open at the store, magic flushing toilets and soap dispensers that magically know you are standing there, the rotating grocery belt at check out, Garage doors with a button to activate it...the buttons....Oh, yes, all the many, many glorious buttons....

garage doors,

remote controls,

doorbells,

microwaves,

elevators,

toys,

radios,

computers,

cell phones,

Buttons everywhere!!!!!

I thought I would share a few of their first with you...

Their first room! I was super excited about it when I finished. Actually, Its also their first bed and someone usually falls out of it once a night.

Their first radio! This came in gift basket from a sweet neighbor. He LOVES it and just dances to the music only he can hear. I fell on the floor laughing the first time because I was standing right next to him and he screamed a question at me not knowing how loud he was talking.

Their first experience with a horse. Little man was very unsure of the entire situation. Big man could not have been more excited. He even feed it right out of his hand.

First lessons in how to act like a prince, given by none other then the her highness herself.

First time jumping in puddles after a rainstorm... okay, maybe they did this in Ghana but it was their first time doing it with their family.

First time getting on a trampoline...or maybe just the first time thinking about getting on a trampoline since he decided not to.

"Mama, Snap a picture!"

I wanted to post pictures so some of the families who loved my boys while in LH could see how much they have grown and changed. Big Man is our photographer so most of the pics were taken by him. If he is not in it he is taking it...except for all the close ups of his face in which he got really good at taking pictures of himself. A talent I still have not mastered. All these pictures were taken in March. I will upload more recent pictures of our last trip as soon as I can. You see, we only have pictures of the first half since "someone" broke the camera. That mystery will have to be solved in the next life, since neither one of them wants to admit anything.

He was so proud of this pose...I call it the "Cobra!" Say it with a really cool low voice...do it...its way more fun.

I can just see exactly what he will look like as a full grown man in this picture. He is so handsome!

Kind of a funny picture of him but he doesn't sit still long enough so I have more pictures of his older brother from this trip.

One thing we do have going for us is that they love each other sooo much. I think it helped them to always have that connection of love with someone else.

GOOD NEWS!

I like this title. If you don't know me you should know I'm a drama geek and so I've got this song in my head as I type it "Good News, Good News!" I feel like I just pulled the gag off my face!

After receiving sound advice from friends and officials we decided to take our blog private for the remainder of our adoption. I posted a few times after that but felt all I had to say was very sad. I'm not a negative person and felt "who wants to read a depressing blog?" Plus, I just felt plain depressed about everything. I decided not to blog again until I could say something HAPPY! So here it is...

We are done! The boys are safe at home and we are a family under one roof at last! Happy, Happy, Happy. (Okay, its not all rainbows and unicorns but that's another post.)

After a whirlwind trip back to Africa last week, lots of prayers and a wonderful Senator stepping in, we returned home with the boys late last Thursday night. We are all learning new things, adjusting and trying to keep our heads above water. But that room that's been empty for so long is now occupied!

This may come as a huge surprise to some people(the people who prompted our reasons for going private) but that was the point, wasn't it. To them I say this...You don't know us. You don't know the level of relationship we have with God. I knew I would bring those kids home because He told us over and over again that we would. We placed ALL our trust in Him. We never paid anyone a cent...did not need too. We know you tried to pay someone and now...so does the embassy. Luckily, we had built a friendship with those people out of honesty and goodness so they trusted us with these treasures. They were not for sale. The only one who gets to play God with our life is God. I am told you read this blog in the past. I am not sure if you read it or not but wanted to say that. And that's all I will ever say to you because we are done.

Thank you to my family for hanging out at the Airport so late at night to give us a victorious "Welcome Home." It meant the world to me! Thank you to all our friends and family who encouraged, lifted and held our hands, who watched our kids while we came and went. Thank you to all the friends we made along the way who became valuable assets to us and will remain to do so. I'm grateful for the temple and its peace and solice it gives, the moments of clear understanding and guidance it provided for us. I'm grateful for my children's wonderful cousin and her tender heart and honesty...she is brave and strong. I'm grateful to the sweet family who cared for the boys so much longer then originally agreed upon. I am grateful that this long journey is over and we are already beginning a new one full of happiness, security, healing, and most of all REAL LOVE. Something my kids don't understand right now but I am certain they will someday...because He told me they would.

Just the Same

By Dianne Lynn Lacey

Sometimes-
God sends rain
Straight from the sky
To nourish the young flower
and it grows.

Sometime-
God sends rain from the sky
To the mountain tops,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the flower
and it grows, just the same

Sometimes-
God sends a child
Straight from His realm
Into a mothers arms
and love grows

Sometimes-
God sends a child
From heaven to anothers arms,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the arms of his mother
and the love grows, just the same.

Going Silent

Wow. Was never prepared for this. Was prepared for some tough days but never this. We decided to go silent. If you want updates please call me. We need the love, support and prayers of all our family and friends. We will not be putting anything out there for public eye to read, even on a private blog.
I'll miss you!