Hosanna!

The boys are safe and sound and in the care of their new foster family, in whom I will be eternally grateful! Thank you to everyone! This means so much to me. I am grateful for all the prayers offered on their behalf. I have the "bestest" friends and family in the world. Your faith helped make this Red Sea part. Now they can rest and heal without worry and without being afraid. They have a warm bed, food to eat and gentle hands to be there for them. This is the beginning of a new chapter of their life...who knows what will come next.

The world of adoption

I had no idea that entering the world of adoption would be such a roller coaster. Especially, the adoptions that we have been lead to. We stand at a crossroads of two different international adoptions. Neither one of them have been "normal" even for international standards.
In Haiti, we do not know the children and need to be matched. We thought we were getting them through Humanitarian Visa but then the government changed to the pre-earthquake ways of doing things and now I start the paperwork over again and have to wait longer.
In Ghana, I am looking at two boys who I know and fell in love with in an instant. They are sweet, and have been through a lot in their young lives. They are everything that the savior teaches us to be. Only now, things have come out about the person they were with and all the lies he told and horrible things he has done. Social Welfare has shut down the orphanage ( rightly so!) But he took those two beautiful boys and hid them somewhere so no one could find them.
My heart has been paining me for days. It has a big empty spot in it. I want to jump on a plane to Ghana and go look for myself.

The only thing I can do is have Faith and Pray.

Other people have asked me why I don't just adopt nationally or even foster, it so much easier. I agree and I know it is (don't get me wrong, it's still hard, I know). That would be great if that was what I was supposed to do. I have prayed about that and I am not being lead in that direction. A "stupor of thought" comes over me.

Somehow, we are supposed to go down this bumpy road.

I have not blogged about much of this on my family blog, but I felt I needed to write something now. You can read more that I have written here. I ask for prayers for us, for the missing boys and for the children of Haiti. All of which I am unsure of the exact connection but SURE of a connection.

I have doubted from time to time and laid blame on myself that I have lead my family down this road only because of my own desires. Every time I get to that point I have distinct moments of knowing I need to go on with this journey and being lifted by those familiar feelings of tender encouragement from above. I am sorry it is not turning out how we would of imagined but I am still being told to carry on. I know this is a trail of our faith.

Some people might wonder why I use this very public outlet for spiritual things. I have learned that adoption is a very spiritual thing and I could not write or talk about it without being so. I feel extremly close to the Him and that is how I know I am doing His will. I write because it helps me process, it keeps my family and friends informed, and I hope that it may help others that are traveling down this road too. It is my testimony and I will not be afraid to share it.

Lessons from a sunrise

I prayed all night for understanding. My heart needed peace. I don't do well with anger and it was eating me alive. I have a lot of weaknesses, but I always felt that my spiritual intuition was a great strength. I was full of doubt, second guessing all details of my life these past few month...who was I? I was so lost.
Sleep did not come easily that night. I woke up very early and was afraid to go back to sleep and see the vivid brown faces that have so occupied my dreams lately. I could make out the blueish-grey light poking in through my blinds. I knew the sun had not come up but it was on its way. The Sun! How I needed the sun to shine on my face. Maybe it would warm my heart as it did my cheeks.
I carefully climbed out of bed and tucked the covers back over the sleeping snowman. I wrapped myself in my big robe, a blanket and for added comfort grabbed my scriptures.
The air was cold but fresh and it filled my lungs that burned from so much crying. Sitting in a chair, I opened up my scriptures. My friend had sent me a scripture reference to help me deal with everything. I would read it again. My red, swollen eyes tried to focus on the page.

D&C:6
20 ... I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.
I can feel them, they feels good

21 Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.
Yes, it seems very dark and I need thy light

22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.
Lots of questions that I always felt got answered. Why do I doubt now?

23 Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?
He speaks to me, he is speaking to me. He know me.

I can not read through the tears that have returned. How can I have any left?
The sun is not up yet. I need the sun and search the horizon for any sign. Which peak will is come over? I find the brightest point. It must be there.
I watch my dog sleeping under the slide. She does not know I am here or else she would get up and jump around for me. She is peaceful. I want to feel peaceful. A little voice coaxes me to read more.

...Therefore, if you will ask of me you shall receive; if you will knock it shall be opened unto you...

Behold thou hast a gift, and blessed art thou because of thy gift. Remember it is sacred and cometh from above—

It amazes me that He knows me so well. It is a testimony to the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I look for the Sun. It is still not up. I know it will come up. It has to. It always did. I see the horizon getting brighter. Small rays of light are shining forth. Still no Sun?

And if thou wilt inquire, thou shalt know mysteries which are great and marvelous; therefore thou shalt exercise thy gift, that thou mayest find out mysteries, that thou mayest bring many to the knowledge of the truth, yea, convince them of the error of their ways...

If thou wilt do good, yea, and hold out faithful to the end, thou shalt be saved in the kingdom of God, which is the greatest of all the gifts of God; for there is no gift greater than the gift of salvation.

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.

Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth;

Why have I doubted? What is making me doubt? Who is making me doubt?
The rays are brighter but still no sun. I know it is there. How can this be? I have been out here waiting so long. The birds are chirping at the rays of light. They are waiting too. They know it is coming.
My dog wakes up stretches. She knows it is time for the day to begin. She sees me on the deck and is confused why I am out here.

Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.

I tell thee these things as a witness unto thee—that the words or the work which thou hast been writing are true.

Therefore be diligent...

... Be patient; be sober; be

temperate; have patience, faith, hope and charity.

...and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore Treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.

Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

And now, behold, you have received a witness; for if I have told you things which no man knoweth have you not received a witness?

... even so am I in the midst of you.

...Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

...Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen.

I must be a lot like Olivery Cowdery. It seems as if I always end up being prompted to read revelation originally for him. I am fearful of things. I am worried about making the wrong decisions and going the wrong direction on this. I usually have so much Faith in myself. But I know He knows my heart and He knows what I am capable of. Maybe I will end up surprising myself. Maybe this is just because he has so much confidence in me. Maybe I can do this.

I sit and ponder what I have read, what He has said to me. I have no doubt that he is speaking to me. I wait and wait for the sun to rise. It is getting cold. The tears on my cheeks freeze. No sun.

I should go back in. The kids will be waking up soon.

I go back in, shed my rob and crawl into my warm bed. Snowman wakes up and we chat a little. The studman comes in with his morning smile and crawls in with us. We giggle and laugh at his happy personality. I look out the window. The sun shines bright above the peaks, right where I had known it would come up. Its warm through the windows.

Understanding comes. I am enlightened.

My sun will rise. It may take longer then I anticipate but before I know it, it will happen. Until then I have tiny rays of light to give me hope and renew my faith. My sun will rise.

Sad things

Sad things are happening right now to a lot of people I love. Most of those people have only recently entered my life. Some of those people I thought would become my people. It is such a sad thing when the best interest of children are brushed under the mat for greedy purposes. Selfish, corrupt people who indeed have their free agency too. Prayer for the Families of little victims, for children who will not be granted their full rights to be raised in a good family with mothers and fathers who will love them.

I don't want to be a mom so much anymore.

So I've been thinking a lot about my full time job as a mom, lately. Then after watching conference something hit me. So, I have a little experiment I want to try with you.

Everyone close your eyes...okay, wait. That won't work cause you can't read the screen. Let's try again.

I want you to think of the word "mom", what do you picture? Close your eyes for a second if you need to visualize it.

Good... Part two...

Now, I want you to think of the word "Mother". Are there different things that come into your head, just by altering the word?

Hmmm.

During conference they talked a lot about Mothers. Never did they say the word "mom". I thought that was interesting. I thought about how inspired I was after conference to be a better mother.

Let me tell you how the experiment worked on me when I tried it on myself...and Snowman.
When I think of "mom", I think of carpool, cooking dinner, homework, laundry, doing hair, cleaning house, volunteering at school, grocery shopping, etc. It's a busy word to me. I think of juggling hectic schedules. I think of cramming as much as I can into as little time as possible so I can get more stuff done in the long run. I think staring at the clock and waiting for the sun to set so I can put my kids to bed and be done with them for the day. If I really focus on it and start to over think it, it also makes me feel tired, unappreciated and stressed.

What does the word "Mother" make me think of. I think of snuggling in chair to read a story. I think of holding my angels as they are sleeping in my arms and softly whispering a primary tune in their ears. I think of laying with my older girls in the grass with the warm sun kissing our skin and talking about matters of the heart. I think of singing silly songs and building forts in the family room. I think of baking cookies and letting them eat more dough then cookies, just because I want to see them smile. I think of the sound of my kids giggling as I give them extra time in a bubble bath. It makes me think about time in a different way, slowing it down and savoring the moments with my children. The word mother is relaxed and slower. It is peaceful as it roles off your tongue. It makes me feel more closely associated to my divine role as a Daughter of God and what a great and beautiful responsibility Heavenly Father gave me by blessing me with children.

I don't want to be MOM so much anymore. I have pretty much mastered that role anyway. I am going to focus more on being a MOTHER. Yes, I think I would rather be a good Mother.

Sad day

For those of you who read this blog but not my other one ( I know...two blogs?) We know that we have children somewhere else and through adoption, we are looking for them. I had a blow to the heart today and I posted it on the other blog so if you want to read it its right here.