A Wild thing happened on the way to Africa!

I consider myself an pretty optimistic gal, a "look at the cup half full" kind of babe. However, I have bad days. Sometimes, a bad day may turn into two. More so now then when my life my life seemed more calm. My days all seem to blend into one giant never ending, labor intensive existence. I'm tired, I'm worried, I'm overwhelmed and overworked. I wake up after a less then peaceful night, dress 7 kids, make lunches, deal with the on going drama of bodily fluids, get them out the door, hopefully shower, then either run errands before the K-twins (that's Little Man and Lil' Diva) get home or drop the Studman off at preschool and go to the school to work with the boys. Home at 11:30 with extra kids in tow because I watch a few for a little bit. Then its homework, cleaning, projects, etc. The other 4 kids show up between 3:00 and 4:00 and then I have to keep time with soccer, music lesson, dance, scouts, activity days, YW, throw a healthy nutritious meal in there somewhere and then bedtime. Its like ground hog day. You know the movie. (I'm not a fan of Bill Murry, FYI).

So I had a bad 36 hours. I just gave you my weekday routine but my Sunday routine is just as hard. We have church at 9 and Ryan is in the Stake Pres.(sec.) so he is gone all morning. It's stressful, to say the least. Even though it was regional conference and we did not need to be there till 10am, I slept in. It was a joke trying to catch up and get ready. So it set me off. I had a melt down. Not pretty!

Add to that my clothes are getting tighter, I am eating like crap and not sleeping well (it's like I have 3 newborns all waking me up at various times at night). I need to figure out when I can start running again but it seems impossible right now.

Do you get my drift. I'M JUST SPENT!

So I did a little soul searching last night and I prayed for some answers. I was lead to couple of talks by church leaders and then I wondered about my journal. For the past couple years my journal has become my blog, for the more secret affairs of heart I have taken to a journal that is saved on my computer but my actually hand written journal... when was the last time I wrote it that? So I got it out thinking I would write a little. I ended up reading past passages that touched my heart. My mind and heart started to see clearer then to my shock and awe I read the last two entries. They were from more then 2 years ago. Yes, my first trip to Africa. Here is what I wrote...

April 16, 2009

"...A little boy, about 2 years old would not let go of me. We walked up the stairs (which had NO rails by the way) and then came back down when it was decided I should teach the 2nd grade class...
...The same little boy who shadowed me all morning played next to the car with another boy that had the same face (this was while I was eating lunch). Tammy said they must be orphans because the younger brother was too young to be going to school..."

There is a lot more but some of it seems to personal to share.

And then the next entry was written at the JFK airport a few days later. This is what put me back on my feet again (buckle up).

"I'm sitting at the JFK airport. Africa was such an amazing place but I miss my babies so much! I felt so torn as I left early this morning. And how I wish I could have those two boys from the orphanage."

Just as I read this those two boys were upstairs sleeping in their soft warm bed. IS THIS NOT AMAZING?

This picture is the only one I ended up with from my time at LH that had my boys in it. (Green bowls on the left hand side). I am amazed that God heard the pray of my heart. He gave me exactly what I wanted. It is hard work to raise these 2 beautiful boys who have seen and experienced so much hurt and loss. But I LOVE them! I have from the very beginning.

Do you believe in miracles?

Pee, Tears and Hard Times

I am sure Big Man and Little Man never thought life in America could be so hard! One would think it would feel opposite coming from a life of hardship in the dirt of Africa. The problem is that no one expected them to be anything, achieve anything or do anything for such a long time. So all they really had to worry about was if they were getting food anytime soon and not getting in trouble enough too get beat to hard. Don't get me wrong, I am not naive. My expectation are low right now. However, I do expect one thing from all my kids. Just a little thing I like to call EFFORT...That's all I'm asking!

So as I was laying in bed at 1:30 last night, I was thinking about all the issues we are having and I realized they had a common theme. It's called, GIVING UP! It seems that when I put a new challenge or idea in front of them, there is sense of "novelty" at the idea at first. For a few days or weeks it gets met with excitement. But then the novelty wears off and it becomes a little hard, so they quit!

Staying dry at night is good example of this cycle that we are seeing. When Big Man got here we encouraged him to try to stay dry and he wanted to please us, impress us. Plus, I think he truly felt happy and comfortable at home, so after about a month of repeated accidents, it clicked and he stayed dry for about a month. He got his reward (a remote control car) and then he quit. I took the car away and told him he had to earn it again. He did. I gave the car back. Then he quit. After several weeks I decided a new approach was needed. My kind cousin gave me her old bed wetting alarm. (Now, disclaimer here... I know that bed wetting is normal for kids who come out of situations like Big Mans. The thing is...he is a big kid and growing by the second. That means large amounts of urine. And if you have big kids you know that big kid pee is WAY more rancid then little kid pee. It smells 100 times worse! This is why we decided we really needed to focus on this issue.) So, like a charm, Big Man loved the idea of his new alarm to help him. The first night went well. It went off twice, we took care of business. Good night. The second night it never went off so I went up at 6am to find him soaked (as well as his bed and his poor little brother, nasty!) and the alarm unplugged. Frustrated, I asked him why he unplugged it and he said "Because its too loud and I can't sleep!"
"Guess what, son, That is the point!"
After that we talked about getting his car back again and he tried super hard for about a week, got it back and then quit. For the past two weeks we have gone from needing to pee once a night to that dang alarm going off every 2 to 4 hours. He does not even wake up to it. He puts his fingers in his ears, goes back to sleep and lets it go off until everyone in the house is awake.

We are also seeing the same cycle at school. It was all very exciting at first and Big Man loves the social aspect of it but after the first few weeks, it got hard and he quit. We see no effort in his school work now. The principle was kind enough to get him his own laptop to work on. He is supposed to play phonics games while everyone is doing silent reading but even that has worn off and he has figured out how to navigate to the silly stuff when no one is looking. He just does not care because its too hard.

Add to this that we did not qualify for ESL or resource (which I'm down right ticked off at and planning on throwing my weight around this school district, but this is another blog entry, all together.) So school is frustrating. Needless to say, we feel that school is more important then our wetting issues right now, so we are ditching the alarm for a little while and hitting the school stuff. One thing at a time. Mercy me?

Oh, and the tears...they are mostly mine. Sad tears, mad tears, frustrated tears, "what the heck am I doing" tears, and also happy tears, I am blessed tears and they make me laugh so hard I can't hold them back tears.


P. S. I honesty thought that no one read this because I really don't have any followers but after I did not post for a while I started getting FB messages and emails. Thanks Everyone! I will try to post more but if you really follow my blog you know my life is pretty hectic and sometimes the blog falls to the bottom of the heap, along with the laundry.

Grieving Myself

When I had my first child I realized that I was losing a lot of freedom. I still had so many things I wanted to with myself. A lifetime of experiences that I longed to have. Of coarse one look at her beautiful little face and it was okay, I knew I could put some of those things on hold. I divided those future experiences into two priorities, the "could waits", and the "can't waits". I tucked the "can't waits" into an imaginary box and shoved them way, way back under the bed. I took a giant, deep breathe and I adjusted.

Then I had child number 2 and closely after followed number 3. I took the box out from under the bed and quickly opened it so that I could put more "could waits" in and not let the others jump out and taunt me, they had been couped up in there a long time and where anxious to get out and run wild.

Child 4 and 5 arrived and of course I again added to my box. Then just as I started feeling sorry for myself, child 5 started to get a little bigger and more independent. I had more time to organize, clean and get things running pretty smoothly. I realized that he was soon going to be in school and I would gain back a little of my freedom. Maybe, just maybe I could allow myself a peek into my box and turn one of my "could waits" into a "right now".

So, I waited for a quiet moment and reached under the bed for my box. I had so much excitement and anticipation as I blew the dust off of my waiting dreams. I started thinking about all the things I had stored in there and what I should do first. Then just as I was about to open it, I knew... it still was not my time. I put it under my bed, but not so far back this time. I wanted to be able to see it still. And I did what I knew I was supposed to do.

Now, I added 2 more children and child Number 4 and 5 took on the new role of 6 and 7. I love all 7 of them dearly and they are the joy of my soul. I know that they are all worth so much more then any of those dreams waiting in my special box. However, as I would play and read with them I found myself stealing glances of my box. The "could waits" started to feel more like the "what if's" or the "why me's". For a few weeks I felt sad, almost angry for the freedom that I felt was so close but then pushed so far away. I was grieving for a ME that I once thought I would be. Not only did I feel like my own freedom was further away I felt I had entered a new realm of chaos and could not even plant my feet on a firm, clean kitchen floor, ever again. I felt I had lost myself...forever.

I knew what I had to do and I pushed that box as far back as I could, even piled a few things on top of it. A little voice assured me that I would one day get to open that box again. I might have to go through it and figure out what to keep and what to let go of but I will get to open it. The ME I had anticipated, the ME I was grieving for, is nothing in comparison to the Me that HE is sculpting me into. I know that the things I am doing now are to big to ever fit into that little silly box and I know that looking at my 7 beautiful dreams that once were "can't waits" but turned into "right now's" where the best things I ever did, even though they do come with a lot of laundry.

Then I took a giant, deep breathe and I started to adjust. But, I'm not trying to adjust my life to my old normal, I'm adjusting myself to a new normal.

A Forever Family

On July 2, 2011 we were sealed to our new little guys. It was a beautiful ceremony. It could not have been more perfect! Now their journey to become part of a forever family is truly complete. After the sealing we went swimming and then topped the day off with a huge fireworks show at the city park. Everyone turned out to support us, even the city put on a huge fair complete with a Ferris wheel and cotton candy...okay, okay...all that may have been for the Fourth of July holiday but the boys don't know that. They think it was all for them. Fireworks were a new experience for them. Big man loved them with every ounce of his being. Little man had mixed emotion. Blowing things up and creating a spectacle is totally up his ally. However, they were a little louder and larger then he was ready to deal with. To quote Rapunzel in the Big Mans favorite movie 'Tangled'...This was the "BEST DAY EVER!!!!!"

The next Sunday was Fast and Testimony meeting. Little stud man was determined to bare his testimony to the congregation. In our house we have a rule that you can't say whatever anyone else says. You have to talk about your own experiences not repeat the usual child's testimony. If you have ever been to a LDS fast and testimony meeting you know what I mean. It goes something like this..."I wanna bare my testimony and I know the church is true and I love my mom and dad and brothers and sisters and I'm thankful for the prophet."

So Stud Man went by himself to the front of congregation and waited for the Bishop to lower the mic and get the stool (mind you, he is 3 years old but there is reason I call him stud man. He has an air of coolness all about him.) He looked out over all the people and said "I love Fireworks and I know Jesus Loves me." It was so stinking sweet! Then Big Man felt he should share something which made me nervous since I seem to be the only one who can understand him here. Yet, I could not deny him this chance. I walked him to the front and he went to the mic. He said a lot that I could not understand but I could tell he was feeling the sweet spirit and was trying to express it. Everyone could understand "Mommy and Daddy" "Married" and "Temple" and you could see the happiness in him which pulled at everyones heart strings and left no dry eye. He set a perfect feeling for the rest of the meeting. Others bore testimony of adoption and temples and it was just a great meeting.

I am truly grateful for the Ward that I am in. The love my boys have felt and the understanding everyone has had since so many adoption have happened in our area. I am grateful my children, though still a minority, aren't alone with other friends who look like them.

Just Grateful, Grateful, Grateful!

A New Life

This is a hard Job! I am totally drained, exhausted! Truth is, everyone is in transition right now, not just the two boys. Everyones world is being ROCKED in a big way. It's a new life for all of us. We have already had huge moments of complete chaos. One of them poured a cup of root beer in our fish bowl (amazingly it lived), someone took a dookie on their closet floor last night (not kidding), someone even got lost at church and decided that they should find a new family (our friend found him sitting in another wards sacrament with a very confused family). We have already shed many tears, screamed our guts out and laughed a lot. It's all good! I see progress everyday, although I know it will take years to fully help them heal and adjust. But all in all, its all good.

One of the fun things is seeing the world through their eyes. Things I have overlooked my entire life, like magic doors that open at the store, magic flushing toilets and soap dispensers that magically know you are standing there, the rotating grocery belt at check out, Garage doors with a button to activate it...the buttons....Oh, yes, all the many, many glorious buttons....

garage doors,

remote controls,

doorbells,

microwaves,

elevators,

toys,

radios,

computers,

cell phones,

Buttons everywhere!!!!!

I thought I would share a few of their first with you...

Their first room! I was super excited about it when I finished. Actually, Its also their first bed and someone usually falls out of it once a night.

Their first radio! This came in gift basket from a sweet neighbor. He LOVES it and just dances to the music only he can hear. I fell on the floor laughing the first time because I was standing right next to him and he screamed a question at me not knowing how loud he was talking.

Their first experience with a horse. Little man was very unsure of the entire situation. Big man could not have been more excited. He even feed it right out of his hand.

First lessons in how to act like a prince, given by none other then the her highness herself.

First time jumping in puddles after a rainstorm... okay, maybe they did this in Ghana but it was their first time doing it with their family.

First time getting on a trampoline...or maybe just the first time thinking about getting on a trampoline since he decided not to.

"Mama, Snap a picture!"

I wanted to post pictures so some of the families who loved my boys while in LH could see how much they have grown and changed. Big Man is our photographer so most of the pics were taken by him. If he is not in it he is taking it...except for all the close ups of his face in which he got really good at taking pictures of himself. A talent I still have not mastered. All these pictures were taken in March. I will upload more recent pictures of our last trip as soon as I can. You see, we only have pictures of the first half since "someone" broke the camera. That mystery will have to be solved in the next life, since neither one of them wants to admit anything.

He was so proud of this pose...I call it the "Cobra!" Say it with a really cool low voice...do it...its way more fun.

I can just see exactly what he will look like as a full grown man in this picture. He is so handsome!

Kind of a funny picture of him but he doesn't sit still long enough so I have more pictures of his older brother from this trip.

One thing we do have going for us is that they love each other sooo much. I think it helped them to always have that connection of love with someone else.

GOOD NEWS!

I like this title. If you don't know me you should know I'm a drama geek and so I've got this song in my head as I type it "Good News, Good News!" I feel like I just pulled the gag off my face!

After receiving sound advice from friends and officials we decided to take our blog private for the remainder of our adoption. I posted a few times after that but felt all I had to say was very sad. I'm not a negative person and felt "who wants to read a depressing blog?" Plus, I just felt plain depressed about everything. I decided not to blog again until I could say something HAPPY! So here it is...

We are done! The boys are safe at home and we are a family under one roof at last! Happy, Happy, Happy. (Okay, its not all rainbows and unicorns but that's another post.)

After a whirlwind trip back to Africa last week, lots of prayers and a wonderful Senator stepping in, we returned home with the boys late last Thursday night. We are all learning new things, adjusting and trying to keep our heads above water. But that room that's been empty for so long is now occupied!

This may come as a huge surprise to some people(the people who prompted our reasons for going private) but that was the point, wasn't it. To them I say this...You don't know us. You don't know the level of relationship we have with God. I knew I would bring those kids home because He told us over and over again that we would. We placed ALL our trust in Him. We never paid anyone a cent...did not need too. We know you tried to pay someone and now...so does the embassy. Luckily, we had built a friendship with those people out of honesty and goodness so they trusted us with these treasures. They were not for sale. The only one who gets to play God with our life is God. I am told you read this blog in the past. I am not sure if you read it or not but wanted to say that. And that's all I will ever say to you because we are done.

Thank you to my family for hanging out at the Airport so late at night to give us a victorious "Welcome Home." It meant the world to me! Thank you to all our friends and family who encouraged, lifted and held our hands, who watched our kids while we came and went. Thank you to all the friends we made along the way who became valuable assets to us and will remain to do so. I'm grateful for the temple and its peace and solice it gives, the moments of clear understanding and guidance it provided for us. I'm grateful for my children's wonderful cousin and her tender heart and honesty...she is brave and strong. I'm grateful to the sweet family who cared for the boys so much longer then originally agreed upon. I am grateful that this long journey is over and we are already beginning a new one full of happiness, security, healing, and most of all REAL LOVE. Something my kids don't understand right now but I am certain they will someday...because He told me they would.

Just the Same

By Dianne Lynn Lacey

Sometimes-
God sends rain
Straight from the sky
To nourish the young flower
and it grows.

Sometime-
God sends rain from the sky
To the mountain tops,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the flower
and it grows, just the same

Sometimes-
God sends a child
Straight from His realm
Into a mothers arms
and love grows

Sometimes-
God sends a child
From heaven to anothers arms,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the arms of his mother
and the love grows, just the same.