WARNING: IF YOU WANT A HAPPY POST THIS IS NOT IT. I AM VENTING. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU SMILE, READ SOMETHING ELSE. OTHER WISE CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
Its was hard to be released from the RS presidency in December. Harder then I thought it would be. I had gotten very use to meeting with my gals every Thursday, knowing who needed what, visiting everyone, taking meals into all the sister going through trials. It became a way of life, almost like breathing.But then you are released and called to teach 4 years old about he gospel. Not only is it a struggle to have 12 four year old for two hours and try to teach them something. I also struggled not knowing what was going on with the women in the ward. I am not even in RS on Sundays so I have no Idea who is doing anything exciting, who is struggling nor do I get time to speak to anyone. I am not saying I am going crazy because I want to put my nose in every ones business, its just that there is a strong sense of sisterhood in the RS and I have lost that connection. So I've been lonely.
Now, I am really going to sound like a whiner because I at least had a few BFF's who called and we hung out quite a bit, especially when I felt lonely. Now they work full time. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I am blessed to be able to stay at home and be with my kids and that R has provided enough that I did not need to work. But those friends are not available to me anymore. So I became lonelier.
Then, two weeks ago R was called to be the Stake Executive Secretary. I am excited for this chance he will have to serve with great men and have some great experiences. However, Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday I am now a single mom. Not to mention that when he is home he is still so full of stress for work and his calling that I am basically an inanimate object. So my loneliness is in overdrive.
Will I get into a groove and find a balance again when things aren't so new and overwhelming? Is this the new way of life?
I thought I had become this really strong person but I feel very week lately. I feel so much pressure to keep the happy face for my families sake and then beat myself up for failing and snapping at someone. My cookie jar is empty but everyone just keeps taking from it somehow. I am tired of trying to be everything for everyone, consider everyone and then stay one step ahead of everyone so that when they need something, I forsee it and "ala peanut butter sandwhiches" I already have the solution. (I am sure you moms know what I am talking about here.)
On top of that, I wish I had some sort of skill and time to use it so that I could make some money and take a little stress off R shoulders. Especailly since we have all the extra expenses of our adoption right now.
I am trying to find my balance again. I wrote out a daily schedule of everything but some days I just feel so Blah. I am not a "why me" kind of gal so what is my problem!
I have to hold back tears and any signs that I am struggling because I am the mom. Nothing good comes from the mom breaking down and losing it...ever. Which builds the pressure inside and makes it worse, I know, I know.
Well, there you go everyone. Now you know what a baby I am.
Time to try and get my act together for the day. After all it's Thursday, so I am all I have.
You are NOT a baby.....we all have those days, weeks, months....it doesn't mean that you are weak, it only means that you are human. I absolutely know the LONELY FEELING all too well and I am so sorry.....hang in there friend and know that the Lord is mindful or your struggle, your sacrifice and your willingness to do what you must for those you love. These moments, though intense, do not last forever and once again your cookie jar will be filled to the brim.....maybe even overflowing! love u.
ReplyDeleteAfter 8 years of being in primary I recently got called to Relief Society. You can not even imagine how I look forward to being in the "know" once again. Sorry for your loneliness though, I feel ya (mine going on 10 years now). This too will pass. I will even get you some cookies :)
ReplyDeletedo you remember going through something like this with each of your pregnancies? I do with mine, sounds about right, simplify your life(ya right) eliminate a few things off the table, free up some focus for the kid(s) coming...only the shift was never easy, and something in me tells me it SHOULD get easier, we have done this before, but it doesn't. i recommend hiring one of the young women to come in weekly for 4 hours, (there is a personal progress goal that requires giving 10 hours of service to a young mother=free help) even if you don't leave the house, and only use that time to scrub floors or follow up on paperwork, plan that date with yourself until hubby settles into his calling and has time to date you again!
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