Growing through adversity

This is a copy of a talk I gave in sacrament 4/2012. Some people have asked to have it. I guess I have you all fooled that I know what I'm talking about or something, but anyways...here it is.

Only three short weeks ago I took my son to his soccer game.  Clean, bright uniforms glistened in the warm sun. The other kids on his team were happy, cheerful and full of energy. The game started and the day was looking promising. As we all know, here in Utah, the weather can change instantly. Coming into the half we were losing 1-2, but for our team, 1 is a pretty good number.  The whistle blew and the teams ran to their coaches. The referee placed the ball in the middle of the field. Then the winds began to blow. With no one touching the ball it began to roll faster then it ever had. A few kids began to chase it down but failed. After a passerby stopped it, the boys had to cling onto it so that it didn’t start rolling again.  The game resumed. The wind would have been a welcomed teammate if it hadn’t been blowing the opposite direction of our goal. Try as they might the kids could not kick the ball hard enough to cut through the powerful wind. However, the opposing team only had to get it lined up to their goal and just watch as the wind took over and scored for them. The seconds began to tick away slower and slower. Those eight year old boys were feeling the effects of running into the wind, their shirts filling up with air behind them and holding them back like a parachute. They were weary, they were giving up. The dust blew hard in their faces, making it almost impossible to look up towards our goal. The other teams goalie even stopped guarding our net and began leaning into the wind just letting it hold him up. From the sidelines the parents shouted encouraging things, only to be drowned out by the wind. We knew the odds were not in our favor. This was obviously not a fair game. We all kept asking the same thing. “When will they call this game? When will this be over?” I then took out my phone and sent the following revelation to my husband…”Score1-7, This game would make the best object lesson for a talk on adversity.”

Today, I was asked to talk about adversity.  In particular, how can we grow from adversity and trials? From my own life, I have benefitted from my trials by first strengthening my understanding of why we have trials. This perspective has given me greater strength during adversity as well as being able to more fully learn the lessons that my Father in Heaven would have me learn. I would like to share with you a few of these thoughts.

We never know WHEN adversity will come. It may come quietly, piece by piece and rest on our shoulders until we finally realize that we are carrying a load to heavy. It may strike out of nowhere, suddenly throwing our life into a dizzy tailspin. 

We never know HOW adversity will come. It may be brought on by things out of our control, bad choices made by someone close to us, a natural disaster or shattered dream that did not come true despite our every effort. It may come of our own doing. A small and easily justifiable sin that went unnoticed until it grew too large to ignore any longer.

One thing is very clear; no one is free from adversity. It is a fundamental part of our earthy existence.

While Joseph Smith was imprisoned in Liberty jail he received revelation on adversity. I often refer to this short chapter, Doctrine in Covenants 122 verse 7, the Lord describes to Joseph Smith what could likely be his worst-case scenario…

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee,

But then he adds these words of comfort…

know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

I have heard many words used in place of the word trial (i.e. adversity, tribulation). I think the word the Lord chooses to use here “experience” is interesting and makes me recall a time earlier in our marriage. After many sacrifices and pain staking years in school, Ryan finally graduated. Not only did he have his law degree he also had his MBA. With so much education under his belt we were very optimistic about his career opportunites ahead. He had a handful of interviews with great companies and firms. One by one the calls we had expected came in, but they did not bare the news we wanted to hear. Everyone returned with the same underlying statement. “You have a great amount of education but you lack experience.”

These Employers understood that even with vast amounts of knowledge, there are key elements and skills to their occupation that can only be acquired through experience. Isn’t is understandable then that while we are here on earth as Gods and Goddesses in training, that there are crucial  attributes we will only be able to obtain  through experience? We can read our scriptures, attend seminary and institute, participate in study groups and become wonderful scriptorians. However, without experience or trials we cannot fully develop the Godlike attributes becoming a deity will require. Wouldn’t it be ashamed if we got that far in the interview process and then were told that we had enough knowledge but lacked experience.

Brothers and Sisters, we are so blessed. We have a Father in Heaven who knows and is actively aware of us. He knows exactly what individual experiences we each need to reach our full potential. I like renaming my trials, experiences. It helps me to keep an eternal and more optimistic perspective. It is looking at your situation with your focus on learning something new about yourself.

 At this stage of my life I am having a very unique experience, one I never dreamt I would have. I am raising not only a large family but two very special boys who have come to us from extremely complicated and dire circumstances. My children may be shocked to hear this but I must profess, I do not know what I’m doing! Not only have I never been a wife or a mother before, I’ve never dealt with the unique and complicated issues I have to deal with now. There are no clear-cut answers to most of our issues. We often do not fit in any box and I’m forced to start from scratch. I have few people who understand my families unique issues. At times this seems like too much. The load seems too heavy to bare.  Sometimes I get swallowed up whole in the enormity of this task I have been asked to undertake. I have cried deep into the night, sure that my motherly resume was mixed up with someone much more capable then me.  I was always taught that the Lord would never give you any trial too large to handle. In the past year I have learned that is not true. He gives us many trials too heavy and too large to even try to manage…Alone. We must learn to let Him help us or look like idiots trying to do it ourselves. I laughed when I brought a dresser from IKEA and took out the instruction. No words were written to describe the steps of assembling it, only pictures. The first picture was a stick man trying to do it alone. He had a frustrated face drawn on him and the dresser had broken. A big “DO NOT” symbol was drawn over him. Then another picture was underneath. Two stick figures, both with happy faces and a well put together dresser. In the corner of the picture was a check mark indicating this was correct way to get the job done. What a great reminder to me of the ease that will come when we seek help. This is how He keeps me close. I cannot afford to stray away. I need His love and guidance too dearly.  Although this experience is challenging, I know this is where I am supposed to be. I am having the exact experience that my Father knew I needed to have.  I can only look to Him, the perfect parent. I know that there is no person or textbook that can give me the right parenting advice. I repeat, I do not know what I am doing. But I know He knows what I should be doing and what I am capable of doing and I constantly seek out his council.

I have realized that in my darkest moments I have been listening to the wrong voice. That complete and lonely darkness is where Satan is most comfortable and wants to convince us to remain there with him. We can make our own experiences harder by giving into him. Remember that the Spirit teaches by humility and that the adversary teaches by self-pity. He may place strong thoughts into your head such as “If I was a better mother this would not have happened!” or “I will never be able to accomplish this, I’m just not smart enough!” I have learned to examine my thoughts and ask myself…”Is this something my Father in Heaven would say to me?” The answer is usually very clear. On hard days when my husband asks me what’s wrong I have been known to say “Satan has a lot to say to me today and I’m listening” When I realize his presence interfering with my opportunity to grow, I can push him away and return my thoughts to the Spirit. My mind begins to think clearly again when not pre-occupied with self-doubt. The pity party is over and I feel teachable again.

Though we may not get to choose which experiences we will have our free agency lets us choose how we handle our experiences.

Elder Uchtdorf said “It is our reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how are life story will develop.”

We can look at the Lehi’s family for two examples of reacting to adversity. Laman, Lemual and Nephi were raised in the same home with the same parents. When Lehi was commanded to leave Jerusalem and take his family into the wilderness, new experiences where presented, new chances for all his sons to grow.  Nephi , full of faith and willing to completely succumb to the Lords plan for him, sought answers from God through pray. He exercised patience, humility and a love of God that in turn strengthened his spirituality and understanding of Gospel Principles.  Laman and Lemuel, presented with the same experience, whined and complained about the wrongs they felt had been done to them and how unfair life was.  By continually crying “victum” and refusing to learn the lessons their loving Father in Heaven needed them to learn, the seed of bitterness was planting in their hearts and nourished by anger, resentment and lack of faith.

We all know what became of these people. Nephi left his brothers and took those who would follow Gods commandments with him. They became known as the Nephites and prospered because of their faithfulness. Those who would choose to live a life at Laman and Lemuals standards became known as the Lamanites. A wicked, violent people, cursed of the Lord.   An important part of this story should not be overlooked. Here we can see that the consequence to our reaction to adversity does not only affect our own self but those close to us, and for generations to come.

 We must remember that we are always setting an example and those who love us will follow are lead. If we can not exercise our faith and we break under the pressure of adversity our children will do the same.  Let us look to our Savior for this example. He suffered all adversity and by His faith and love for us succumbed to the will of our Father. A greater understanding of this love and the atonement can help us to overcome our own adversity. The atonement was not just put in place to find forgiveness for our sins but to lift our burdens, relieve our pain and bring peace to our souls. The Savior himself said…

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

The peace that the spirit can provide for us during our most challenging experience on earth, is nothing the world can give or even comprehend. I know this. I know this because I have felt it. At times the winds have pushed me back so hard that I felt I could never reach my goal. The dust continues to kick up and blind me from seeing what I need to see. I have felt udderly alone, unable to hear words of encouragement around me. I have asked “ When will this end? This is not fair!” But when I turn to the Lord, all the pain and weariness is lifted and I am filled with peace.

 Abide In Me

When you abide in me
Then I’ll abide in you
My words in your heart
Oh, child believe
That when you seek my face
and make me your first love
Then all of the rest
Will be taken care of

Don’t worry what the future may hold
For I have overcome the world
and all these things I speak
are so your joy may be complete
When you abide in me

The annual Re-Inventing of ME

It's a new year. Everyone is thinking about change. Everyone is thinking about goals. If your not one of those new year resolutions types your still thinking about how you want 2012 to go for you. Me...well, I have this thing that I have always written a list of "50 things I want to do in my life" on the very last page of my journal. Some things are pretty easy to do and don't take much effort to accomplish like " See Bernadette Peters perform live." CHECK! Some are a little harder to accomplish and take a lot more effort on my part like "Run a Marathon." Most of my goals I remember and I try to get a few crossed off every year.
When I get a new journal (which is not as often since technology is so awesome!) Anyway...when I get a new journal I take off the checked goals and add new ones. The last time I created a list was in Sept. of 2006. I was too emotional last year to even remember to look at this list. But I just did...
#22. Visit an African Orphanage and do something about it.

Hmmm, should I check that one off yet?

Anyway, my point being that I really am not a January goal setter. However, I do use January to reflect on my life and decide if I am still on course to becoming the person I want to be. I call it my "re-invention".

I ask myself these questions...

"What did I like/love about myself last year?"
I loved the time I spent with my kids. Talking to my teenager and reading with my babies. I loved how I felt when I studied my scriptures. I loved being with the love of my life and father of my children. I loved the times I served others. I loved how I felt inside when I ate right and excercised not to mention my clothes felt better.
"What did I learn about myself last year?"
I learned I have a lot of will power. I learned I have stamina. I learned that God is always with me. I learned that if I look for answers I will find them. I learned that I am in charge of my life. I should NEVER do anything out of guilt. I learned who I wanted to be like and who I did not want to be like. The only people that ever did anything worth talking about got talked about.
"Who did I allow to influence me last year?"
My Savior is my greatest friend. When everyone else's advice lead me no where, He told me exactly what to do. Only God knows what I am capable of. I should not let other people tell me what I can or can't do. I can not let people dictate what I should be doing, no matter how much they love me or I them. Nobody loves me more then my Heavenly Father!


When I have all those answers in my head I can answer this question...
"How can I use this year to the best of my ability?"
This answer is between me and the Lord. I'm not sharing.

I sluff off all the other stuff that did not matter. And I take all the stuff that did matter forward. I say goodbye to my mistakes, my lost temper, my impatience, my imperfections and I move forward. I give it to the Lord and press on.

I know I will make mistakes in 2012. I know I will not do everything the way I wish I could. But I will do my best. And I have learned...my best is not too shabby.

A Wild thing happened on the way to Africa!

I consider myself an pretty optimistic gal, a "look at the cup half full" kind of babe. However, I have bad days. Sometimes, a bad day may turn into two. More so now then when my life my life seemed more calm. My days all seem to blend into one giant never ending, labor intensive existence. I'm tired, I'm worried, I'm overwhelmed and overworked. I wake up after a less then peaceful night, dress 7 kids, make lunches, deal with the on going drama of bodily fluids, get them out the door, hopefully shower, then either run errands before the K-twins (that's Little Man and Lil' Diva) get home or drop the Studman off at preschool and go to the school to work with the boys. Home at 11:30 with extra kids in tow because I watch a few for a little bit. Then its homework, cleaning, projects, etc. The other 4 kids show up between 3:00 and 4:00 and then I have to keep time with soccer, music lesson, dance, scouts, activity days, YW, throw a healthy nutritious meal in there somewhere and then bedtime. Its like ground hog day. You know the movie. (I'm not a fan of Bill Murry, FYI).

So I had a bad 36 hours. I just gave you my weekday routine but my Sunday routine is just as hard. We have church at 9 and Ryan is in the Stake Pres.(sec.) so he is gone all morning. It's stressful, to say the least. Even though it was regional conference and we did not need to be there till 10am, I slept in. It was a joke trying to catch up and get ready. So it set me off. I had a melt down. Not pretty!

Add to that my clothes are getting tighter, I am eating like crap and not sleeping well (it's like I have 3 newborns all waking me up at various times at night). I need to figure out when I can start running again but it seems impossible right now.

Do you get my drift. I'M JUST SPENT!

So I did a little soul searching last night and I prayed for some answers. I was lead to couple of talks by church leaders and then I wondered about my journal. For the past couple years my journal has become my blog, for the more secret affairs of heart I have taken to a journal that is saved on my computer but my actually hand written journal... when was the last time I wrote it that? So I got it out thinking I would write a little. I ended up reading past passages that touched my heart. My mind and heart started to see clearer then to my shock and awe I read the last two entries. They were from more then 2 years ago. Yes, my first trip to Africa. Here is what I wrote...

April 16, 2009

"...A little boy, about 2 years old would not let go of me. We walked up the stairs (which had NO rails by the way) and then came back down when it was decided I should teach the 2nd grade class...
...The same little boy who shadowed me all morning played next to the car with another boy that had the same face (this was while I was eating lunch). Tammy said they must be orphans because the younger brother was too young to be going to school..."

There is a lot more but some of it seems to personal to share.

And then the next entry was written at the JFK airport a few days later. This is what put me back on my feet again (buckle up).

"I'm sitting at the JFK airport. Africa was such an amazing place but I miss my babies so much! I felt so torn as I left early this morning. And how I wish I could have those two boys from the orphanage."

Just as I read this those two boys were upstairs sleeping in their soft warm bed. IS THIS NOT AMAZING?

This picture is the only one I ended up with from my time at LH that had my boys in it. (Green bowls on the left hand side). I am amazed that God heard the pray of my heart. He gave me exactly what I wanted. It is hard work to raise these 2 beautiful boys who have seen and experienced so much hurt and loss. But I LOVE them! I have from the very beginning.

Do you believe in miracles?

Pee, Tears and Hard Times

I am sure Big Man and Little Man never thought life in America could be so hard! One would think it would feel opposite coming from a life of hardship in the dirt of Africa. The problem is that no one expected them to be anything, achieve anything or do anything for such a long time. So all they really had to worry about was if they were getting food anytime soon and not getting in trouble enough too get beat to hard. Don't get me wrong, I am not naive. My expectation are low right now. However, I do expect one thing from all my kids. Just a little thing I like to call EFFORT...That's all I'm asking!

So as I was laying in bed at 1:30 last night, I was thinking about all the issues we are having and I realized they had a common theme. It's called, GIVING UP! It seems that when I put a new challenge or idea in front of them, there is sense of "novelty" at the idea at first. For a few days or weeks it gets met with excitement. But then the novelty wears off and it becomes a little hard, so they quit!

Staying dry at night is good example of this cycle that we are seeing. When Big Man got here we encouraged him to try to stay dry and he wanted to please us, impress us. Plus, I think he truly felt happy and comfortable at home, so after about a month of repeated accidents, it clicked and he stayed dry for about a month. He got his reward (a remote control car) and then he quit. I took the car away and told him he had to earn it again. He did. I gave the car back. Then he quit. After several weeks I decided a new approach was needed. My kind cousin gave me her old bed wetting alarm. (Now, disclaimer here... I know that bed wetting is normal for kids who come out of situations like Big Mans. The thing is...he is a big kid and growing by the second. That means large amounts of urine. And if you have big kids you know that big kid pee is WAY more rancid then little kid pee. It smells 100 times worse! This is why we decided we really needed to focus on this issue.) So, like a charm, Big Man loved the idea of his new alarm to help him. The first night went well. It went off twice, we took care of business. Good night. The second night it never went off so I went up at 6am to find him soaked (as well as his bed and his poor little brother, nasty!) and the alarm unplugged. Frustrated, I asked him why he unplugged it and he said "Because its too loud and I can't sleep!"
"Guess what, son, That is the point!"
After that we talked about getting his car back again and he tried super hard for about a week, got it back and then quit. For the past two weeks we have gone from needing to pee once a night to that dang alarm going off every 2 to 4 hours. He does not even wake up to it. He puts his fingers in his ears, goes back to sleep and lets it go off until everyone in the house is awake.

We are also seeing the same cycle at school. It was all very exciting at first and Big Man loves the social aspect of it but after the first few weeks, it got hard and he quit. We see no effort in his school work now. The principle was kind enough to get him his own laptop to work on. He is supposed to play phonics games while everyone is doing silent reading but even that has worn off and he has figured out how to navigate to the silly stuff when no one is looking. He just does not care because its too hard.

Add to this that we did not qualify for ESL or resource (which I'm down right ticked off at and planning on throwing my weight around this school district, but this is another blog entry, all together.) So school is frustrating. Needless to say, we feel that school is more important then our wetting issues right now, so we are ditching the alarm for a little while and hitting the school stuff. One thing at a time. Mercy me?

Oh, and the tears...they are mostly mine. Sad tears, mad tears, frustrated tears, "what the heck am I doing" tears, and also happy tears, I am blessed tears and they make me laugh so hard I can't hold them back tears.


P. S. I honesty thought that no one read this because I really don't have any followers but after I did not post for a while I started getting FB messages and emails. Thanks Everyone! I will try to post more but if you really follow my blog you know my life is pretty hectic and sometimes the blog falls to the bottom of the heap, along with the laundry.

Grieving Myself

When I had my first child I realized that I was losing a lot of freedom. I still had so many things I wanted to with myself. A lifetime of experiences that I longed to have. Of coarse one look at her beautiful little face and it was okay, I knew I could put some of those things on hold. I divided those future experiences into two priorities, the "could waits", and the "can't waits". I tucked the "can't waits" into an imaginary box and shoved them way, way back under the bed. I took a giant, deep breathe and I adjusted.

Then I had child number 2 and closely after followed number 3. I took the box out from under the bed and quickly opened it so that I could put more "could waits" in and not let the others jump out and taunt me, they had been couped up in there a long time and where anxious to get out and run wild.

Child 4 and 5 arrived and of course I again added to my box. Then just as I started feeling sorry for myself, child 5 started to get a little bigger and more independent. I had more time to organize, clean and get things running pretty smoothly. I realized that he was soon going to be in school and I would gain back a little of my freedom. Maybe, just maybe I could allow myself a peek into my box and turn one of my "could waits" into a "right now".

So, I waited for a quiet moment and reached under the bed for my box. I had so much excitement and anticipation as I blew the dust off of my waiting dreams. I started thinking about all the things I had stored in there and what I should do first. Then just as I was about to open it, I knew... it still was not my time. I put it under my bed, but not so far back this time. I wanted to be able to see it still. And I did what I knew I was supposed to do.

Now, I added 2 more children and child Number 4 and 5 took on the new role of 6 and 7. I love all 7 of them dearly and they are the joy of my soul. I know that they are all worth so much more then any of those dreams waiting in my special box. However, as I would play and read with them I found myself stealing glances of my box. The "could waits" started to feel more like the "what if's" or the "why me's". For a few weeks I felt sad, almost angry for the freedom that I felt was so close but then pushed so far away. I was grieving for a ME that I once thought I would be. Not only did I feel like my own freedom was further away I felt I had entered a new realm of chaos and could not even plant my feet on a firm, clean kitchen floor, ever again. I felt I had lost myself...forever.

I knew what I had to do and I pushed that box as far back as I could, even piled a few things on top of it. A little voice assured me that I would one day get to open that box again. I might have to go through it and figure out what to keep and what to let go of but I will get to open it. The ME I had anticipated, the ME I was grieving for, is nothing in comparison to the Me that HE is sculpting me into. I know that the things I am doing now are to big to ever fit into that little silly box and I know that looking at my 7 beautiful dreams that once were "can't waits" but turned into "right now's" where the best things I ever did, even though they do come with a lot of laundry.

Then I took a giant, deep breathe and I started to adjust. But, I'm not trying to adjust my life to my old normal, I'm adjusting myself to a new normal.

A Forever Family

On July 2, 2011 we were sealed to our new little guys. It was a beautiful ceremony. It could not have been more perfect! Now their journey to become part of a forever family is truly complete. After the sealing we went swimming and then topped the day off with a huge fireworks show at the city park. Everyone turned out to support us, even the city put on a huge fair complete with a Ferris wheel and cotton candy...okay, okay...all that may have been for the Fourth of July holiday but the boys don't know that. They think it was all for them. Fireworks were a new experience for them. Big man loved them with every ounce of his being. Little man had mixed emotion. Blowing things up and creating a spectacle is totally up his ally. However, they were a little louder and larger then he was ready to deal with. To quote Rapunzel in the Big Mans favorite movie 'Tangled'...This was the "BEST DAY EVER!!!!!"

The next Sunday was Fast and Testimony meeting. Little stud man was determined to bare his testimony to the congregation. In our house we have a rule that you can't say whatever anyone else says. You have to talk about your own experiences not repeat the usual child's testimony. If you have ever been to a LDS fast and testimony meeting you know what I mean. It goes something like this..."I wanna bare my testimony and I know the church is true and I love my mom and dad and brothers and sisters and I'm thankful for the prophet."

So Stud Man went by himself to the front of congregation and waited for the Bishop to lower the mic and get the stool (mind you, he is 3 years old but there is reason I call him stud man. He has an air of coolness all about him.) He looked out over all the people and said "I love Fireworks and I know Jesus Loves me." It was so stinking sweet! Then Big Man felt he should share something which made me nervous since I seem to be the only one who can understand him here. Yet, I could not deny him this chance. I walked him to the front and he went to the mic. He said a lot that I could not understand but I could tell he was feeling the sweet spirit and was trying to express it. Everyone could understand "Mommy and Daddy" "Married" and "Temple" and you could see the happiness in him which pulled at everyones heart strings and left no dry eye. He set a perfect feeling for the rest of the meeting. Others bore testimony of adoption and temples and it was just a great meeting.

I am truly grateful for the Ward that I am in. The love my boys have felt and the understanding everyone has had since so many adoption have happened in our area. I am grateful my children, though still a minority, aren't alone with other friends who look like them.

Just Grateful, Grateful, Grateful!

A New Life

This is a hard Job! I am totally drained, exhausted! Truth is, everyone is in transition right now, not just the two boys. Everyones world is being ROCKED in a big way. It's a new life for all of us. We have already had huge moments of complete chaos. One of them poured a cup of root beer in our fish bowl (amazingly it lived), someone took a dookie on their closet floor last night (not kidding), someone even got lost at church and decided that they should find a new family (our friend found him sitting in another wards sacrament with a very confused family). We have already shed many tears, screamed our guts out and laughed a lot. It's all good! I see progress everyday, although I know it will take years to fully help them heal and adjust. But all in all, its all good.

One of the fun things is seeing the world through their eyes. Things I have overlooked my entire life, like magic doors that open at the store, magic flushing toilets and soap dispensers that magically know you are standing there, the rotating grocery belt at check out, Garage doors with a button to activate it...the buttons....Oh, yes, all the many, many glorious buttons....

garage doors,

remote controls,

doorbells,

microwaves,

elevators,

toys,

radios,

computers,

cell phones,

Buttons everywhere!!!!!

I thought I would share a few of their first with you...

Their first room! I was super excited about it when I finished. Actually, Its also their first bed and someone usually falls out of it once a night.

Their first radio! This came in gift basket from a sweet neighbor. He LOVES it and just dances to the music only he can hear. I fell on the floor laughing the first time because I was standing right next to him and he screamed a question at me not knowing how loud he was talking.

Their first experience with a horse. Little man was very unsure of the entire situation. Big man could not have been more excited. He even feed it right out of his hand.

First lessons in how to act like a prince, given by none other then the her highness herself.

First time jumping in puddles after a rainstorm... okay, maybe they did this in Ghana but it was their first time doing it with their family.

First time getting on a trampoline...or maybe just the first time thinking about getting on a trampoline since he decided not to.

"Mama, Snap a picture!"

I wanted to post pictures so some of the families who loved my boys while in LH could see how much they have grown and changed. Big Man is our photographer so most of the pics were taken by him. If he is not in it he is taking it...except for all the close ups of his face in which he got really good at taking pictures of himself. A talent I still have not mastered. All these pictures were taken in March. I will upload more recent pictures of our last trip as soon as I can. You see, we only have pictures of the first half since "someone" broke the camera. That mystery will have to be solved in the next life, since neither one of them wants to admit anything.

He was so proud of this pose...I call it the "Cobra!" Say it with a really cool low voice...do it...its way more fun.

I can just see exactly what he will look like as a full grown man in this picture. He is so handsome!

Kind of a funny picture of him but he doesn't sit still long enough so I have more pictures of his older brother from this trip.

One thing we do have going for us is that they love each other sooo much. I think it helped them to always have that connection of love with someone else.

GOOD NEWS!

I like this title. If you don't know me you should know I'm a drama geek and so I've got this song in my head as I type it "Good News, Good News!" I feel like I just pulled the gag off my face!

After receiving sound advice from friends and officials we decided to take our blog private for the remainder of our adoption. I posted a few times after that but felt all I had to say was very sad. I'm not a negative person and felt "who wants to read a depressing blog?" Plus, I just felt plain depressed about everything. I decided not to blog again until I could say something HAPPY! So here it is...

We are done! The boys are safe at home and we are a family under one roof at last! Happy, Happy, Happy. (Okay, its not all rainbows and unicorns but that's another post.)

After a whirlwind trip back to Africa last week, lots of prayers and a wonderful Senator stepping in, we returned home with the boys late last Thursday night. We are all learning new things, adjusting and trying to keep our heads above water. But that room that's been empty for so long is now occupied!

This may come as a huge surprise to some people(the people who prompted our reasons for going private) but that was the point, wasn't it. To them I say this...You don't know us. You don't know the level of relationship we have with God. I knew I would bring those kids home because He told us over and over again that we would. We placed ALL our trust in Him. We never paid anyone a cent...did not need too. We know you tried to pay someone and now...so does the embassy. Luckily, we had built a friendship with those people out of honesty and goodness so they trusted us with these treasures. They were not for sale. The only one who gets to play God with our life is God. I am told you read this blog in the past. I am not sure if you read it or not but wanted to say that. And that's all I will ever say to you because we are done.

Thank you to my family for hanging out at the Airport so late at night to give us a victorious "Welcome Home." It meant the world to me! Thank you to all our friends and family who encouraged, lifted and held our hands, who watched our kids while we came and went. Thank you to all the friends we made along the way who became valuable assets to us and will remain to do so. I'm grateful for the temple and its peace and solice it gives, the moments of clear understanding and guidance it provided for us. I'm grateful for my children's wonderful cousin and her tender heart and honesty...she is brave and strong. I'm grateful to the sweet family who cared for the boys so much longer then originally agreed upon. I am grateful that this long journey is over and we are already beginning a new one full of happiness, security, healing, and most of all REAL LOVE. Something my kids don't understand right now but I am certain they will someday...because He told me they would.

Just the Same

By Dianne Lynn Lacey

Sometimes-
God sends rain
Straight from the sky
To nourish the young flower
and it grows.

Sometime-
God sends rain from the sky
To the mountain tops,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the flower
and it grows, just the same

Sometimes-
God sends a child
Straight from His realm
Into a mothers arms
and love grows

Sometimes-
God sends a child
From heaven to anothers arms,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the arms of his mother
and the love grows, just the same.

Going Silent

Wow. Was never prepared for this. Was prepared for some tough days but never this. We decided to go silent. If you want updates please call me. We need the love, support and prayers of all our family and friends. We will not be putting anything out there for public eye to read, even on a private blog.
I'll miss you!

Soldier up!

There are no words to describe the heaviness of my heart today. I wait, and wait till 11am in hopes that I will have good news. My kids are in court today. Not for our adoption, as we had hoped and waited for, but because of child trafficking charges. This could go either way for us. The truth could be heard and our path cleared to bring our boys home. The truth could be bent, changed, distorted, polluted and a big heavy boulder can come crashing down on us.

Lots of people in Ghana are being charged with counts of child trafficking. Some of those people have ties to our case. I can not tell anyone what they have or have not done in the past but I can tell you what I know and I have seen. No one from Social Welfare has ever asked us for money or have we told anyone we would give them money. No member of my boys birth family has ever asked for money or have we ever told them we would pay money. NO ONE has pocketed a dime on our adoption!

It feels like I am marching Papa Ghana to the battle front! He is such a great guy, a great soldier. He is sooo nervous. He has loved my boys like his own, put his family at risk to save mine. I am so grateful!

Where is this all coming from. I can't say for sure because I have no proof and I am not one to slander someones reputation just to get my way or make a point, even if I knew for sure and had proof. However, I do have my thoughts...and they are pretty strong. So I have one thing to say... Yes, money talks...especially in Africa but GOD speaks louder.

I DO NOT claim to know a lot. I DO NOT know when this will end or what other hills, and African jungles we will have to venture through. I DO know how this will end because I have seen it and it is what has driven me so far down this unknown road, His hand in mine the entire way, guiding me ever so gently as I stumble for my step sometimes. My kids will come home!

Like Christmas Morning

I want to send out a special thank you to a sweet woman who contacted me yesterday. She was a volunteer at LH for 3 months last year while my kids were there. She sent me about 40 priceless pictures of my children. I told her I felt like it was Christmas morning seeing another email after another and opening it up to see another treasure, another one of Little Mans funny faces or Big Mans look of surprise and concern! I love them all! I also see other faces of children who I know are home and happy now. (I will send you those pictures) Not only do they mean so much to us right now as we miss them on a daily basis but they will grow up having pictures of their life before we became a family. THANK YOU!


So are you dying to see some of them? Hear you go...

I love this picture because they had just received their school uniforms and this was not too long before we met them. This is the image in my mind every time I thought of them before we reconnected.

He giggles so much! Sometimes I can't understand a word he says on the phone because something is so fun he can't stop laughing. This is what I envision on the other line. (Okay, the truth, I usually can't understand much of what he says regardless of if he is laughing or not, but we are getting better at that.)

Look at this face....HMMMM! It's enough to make you crazy with love. Does the other face look familiar FPM? I'll send you a pick if you don't have this already.

From a far, this looks like two kids running down the hill. But, if you zoom in and look at the expression on Big Mans face its puts me in stitches....I love it!

This face makes him look like his little brother. "The Studman" makes this face before he attacks me. I can't wait to have two little teeth bearing boys trying to get me. Cracks me up!

His first swig of COKE! Like father like son. I'm sure it would be a hoot to see this little energetic guy full of caffeine.

Big man is excited for something that just happened or is going to happen...I think? I love the thumbs up. It a universal sign for good things. I will probably be using this often with them.

Thumbs up again! The volunteers had just finished this boys dorm and painted it blue. It was not there when I was there so the timing is unknown to me.

I love this picture! I am so grateful for ALL the great volunteers who loved and hugged my kids as much possible. I hear Big Man cried when this volunteer left so if anyone knows her please let her know I am grateful!

Little Man got a pineapple FANTA (one of my favorite things about Ghana!) when the volunteers took some kids to the beach. He was proud of his yellow tongue.

I had to edit this "full body shot" in order to post it. I love big mans face in this picture. I love all the white bubbles on his dark skin. I love his missing teeth! I love the tiny wash bowl he is standing in, even though I cropped it out! LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!

Something funny seems to be going on!

Breaking the silence

So I purposely have not written a blog for quite some time. Being the optimist I am, I have been struggling with bad news and didn't want to spread it onto everyone else. As some of you know we postpone everything while the Ghanaian child trafficking unit investigated some things. This included interrogating Papa Ghana and our attorney for four hours. We were then told that we should not proceed with the adoption until birth certificates for both boys and the death certificate for their mother were in our possession.
Well, this turned into quite the process being that no one ever files anything in Africa. So with the help of the boys birth family we were able to file the death and births (paying twice the amount in late fees) and waiting, waiting, waiting for the registrar to process them.
GOOD NEWS...as of this morning we are in the possession of all three certificates and ready to go on to our next step...Court!
Thank you for all the prayers and well wishing. I am so grateful for all the friends and family that I have who support us and make this a little easier. I am so happy today! Its a good day!

Integrity

I have not posted any updates on here for a few weeks. To say the least it has been a very hard couple of weeks and I have wondered how much to say. In an older post I remember feeling so happy that things were gong so smoothly with our adoption and wondering if and when it would all come crashing down on us. Well, these past few weeks have taken a turn and left us smack dab in the middle of many predicaments that we never foresaw coming. One of those more serious predicaments questioned our integrity in a very emotional way. When you are told to jeopardize your integrity for the sake of something good does that justify it. No, you must be true and faithful at all times. This is where faith has come into play like I have never experienced before. We chose integrity over all else and though the consequences of our choice to be true to our selves and our God have been discouraging we are still hopeful and full of faith. I know we will be blessed by choosing to play by the Lords set of rules and not the worlds. Our timing for bringing home the boys is probably not going to happen the way we wanted it to happen but I believe these past few weeks were vital for R and me to grow, the mending of future Ghanaian adoption, and needful for the Lords timing.
There is song I love by Sara Groves called "He's always been faithful to me." It one of my favorite songs. He has never let me down, never failed to bless me after a trail, never have I regretted acting in accordance with what I know he wants me to do. He has always been faithful to me so I can not and will not ever be able to justify not being faithful to him.
We know we did the right thing. It cost us precious time. But what is time anyway? I know I will get my boys home and the day will come when they are sealed to me forever...so what is a few more months compared to forever.
No regrets!

Little Orphan Annie

Bluffdale Arts Council proudly presents

ANNIE

The Broadway Musical

Starring "BEE"

August 12-14, 2010

Rain Clouds

I am taking these blogs private because a big heavy cloud has settled over Ghana. I had a few scary moments in the past few days. I hope to someday spill my guts about everything on here but for now I will watch myself and just wonder why people act the way they do. I have never been one to judge so maybe it will all blow over. Maybe I will understand in time why certain people do what they do. Until then, I will just be a little more careful about things and keep my little chicks gathered a little more tightly under my wing...even if my wing has to stretch as far as Africa.
Tonight, I am truly grateful for kind Ghanaian voices who call me on the phone and tell me that I must not worry and everything will be okay. Your voice so close in my ear makes me feel that Ghana is not that far away after all. Thank you. You have no idea how much better I feel. I think I can sleep tonight. I think this cloud will blow over without a storm.

Coincidence or spiritual prompting?

R forgot his lunch today so I thought we would take it to him. Vera said she wanted to take a pizza and eat with him. I just could not stomach a pizza today so I decided I would get a sandwhich too. There is a little ceasars and a subway in the strip mall right across the street the from R's work . My first thought was that I would go there after I dropped Bee off at a party. Then I had this thought " I am not bringing 4 little kids into 2 different eating establishment" I could not leave them in the car without my oldest daughter so I asked her if she would mind coming to get the pizza and stuff before I took her. I knew it was going to be a little colder if I bought the food in our little city before driving to R but it was worth the trade off. I got the food, dropped off Bee and jumped on the freeway to eat lunch with R. A few hours later R sent me this news link. Apparently the store right next to Subway was robed at gunpoint today during the time I would have been next door with the kids getting food. It actually startled R because he thought I had gone across the street to get the food.
Coincidence or prompting? Hmmmm? You decided for yourself but as for me I already know the answer!

The way it should have been

Some "new" things have caused a slow down in our adoption. I say "new" because I am told they really were supposed to be happening in every adoption but were not. It has been this lack of following a standard set of rules that has put a big question mark between US and Ghanaian official as far as adoptions are concerned. They have now reinforced these rules and made some stricter guidelines in hopes that it will help make the adoption process more clear and lift the standard of Ghanaian adoptions.

Three major things are...
1. Only certain trained Social Welfare officers can handle adoption cases. There will be six of them in Accra.
2. A child must be in the adoptees care for 3 months prior to filing the adoption. This means that we can not file our adoption with the courts until the 24th of July. (supporting your child while they are living with a foster parent counts as "in your care")
3. I was also told that Ghanaian Social Welfare is considering signing the Hague treaty which will make it necessary for those who adopt from Ghana to follow the standards and protocol of the Hague.

All this will change the way adoption are done in the future and hopefully help protect the child and families from those with ulterior motives.

So, I have 2 weeks to sit and twiddle my thumbs until our court date. The past week has had a toll on me already and I am dreading two weeks more of these same feelings. I need to fill my summer days up with lots of fun. Hmmmm. I do have a room to paint but told myself I would not paint it until I filed my i-600's. I think I will throw a baby shower for my friend. Maybe plan a girls night out. Maybe I can head up yet another service project to rope my friends into.

Anyone have any other good ideas of how to pass this time?

Augh!

It has been my first of many very hard days. I am so blessed it has gone so smoothly and really this is not a huge problem so I will be fine, I hope. I am just a little frustrated.
We were told that our adoption court date would be set this week and that it would be finalized by Friday and that we could file our I600 early next week. Then...
We found out that we needed an affidavit from the boys Aunt. Our lawyer had to get a hold of her again and get her to Accra to sign papers. She won't be able to come until next Monday.
Then we found out that no court dates were being set because of some sort of strike between the government and the SW officers. They say its not going to last very long and should not impact our adoption but ...WHAT? I am waiting for further enlightenment on this since I don't understand what is going on here.