Going Silent

Wow. Was never prepared for this. Was prepared for some tough days but never this. We decided to go silent. If you want updates please call me. We need the love, support and prayers of all our family and friends. We will not be putting anything out there for public eye to read, even on a private blog.
I'll miss you!

Soldier up!

There are no words to describe the heaviness of my heart today. I wait, and wait till 11am in hopes that I will have good news. My kids are in court today. Not for our adoption, as we had hoped and waited for, but because of child trafficking charges. This could go either way for us. The truth could be heard and our path cleared to bring our boys home. The truth could be bent, changed, distorted, polluted and a big heavy boulder can come crashing down on us.

Lots of people in Ghana are being charged with counts of child trafficking. Some of those people have ties to our case. I can not tell anyone what they have or have not done in the past but I can tell you what I know and I have seen. No one from Social Welfare has ever asked us for money or have we told anyone we would give them money. No member of my boys birth family has ever asked for money or have we ever told them we would pay money. NO ONE has pocketed a dime on our adoption!

It feels like I am marching Papa Ghana to the battle front! He is such a great guy, a great soldier. He is sooo nervous. He has loved my boys like his own, put his family at risk to save mine. I am so grateful!

Where is this all coming from. I can't say for sure because I have no proof and I am not one to slander someones reputation just to get my way or make a point, even if I knew for sure and had proof. However, I do have my thoughts...and they are pretty strong. So I have one thing to say... Yes, money talks...especially in Africa but GOD speaks louder.

I DO NOT claim to know a lot. I DO NOT know when this will end or what other hills, and African jungles we will have to venture through. I DO know how this will end because I have seen it and it is what has driven me so far down this unknown road, His hand in mine the entire way, guiding me ever so gently as I stumble for my step sometimes. My kids will come home!

Like Christmas Morning

I want to send out a special thank you to a sweet woman who contacted me yesterday. She was a volunteer at LH for 3 months last year while my kids were there. She sent me about 40 priceless pictures of my children. I told her I felt like it was Christmas morning seeing another email after another and opening it up to see another treasure, another one of Little Mans funny faces or Big Mans look of surprise and concern! I love them all! I also see other faces of children who I know are home and happy now. (I will send you those pictures) Not only do they mean so much to us right now as we miss them on a daily basis but they will grow up having pictures of their life before we became a family. THANK YOU!


So are you dying to see some of them? Hear you go...

I love this picture because they had just received their school uniforms and this was not too long before we met them. This is the image in my mind every time I thought of them before we reconnected.

He giggles so much! Sometimes I can't understand a word he says on the phone because something is so fun he can't stop laughing. This is what I envision on the other line. (Okay, the truth, I usually can't understand much of what he says regardless of if he is laughing or not, but we are getting better at that.)

Look at this face....HMMMM! It's enough to make you crazy with love. Does the other face look familiar FPM? I'll send you a pick if you don't have this already.

From a far, this looks like two kids running down the hill. But, if you zoom in and look at the expression on Big Mans face its puts me in stitches....I love it!

This face makes him look like his little brother. "The Studman" makes this face before he attacks me. I can't wait to have two little teeth bearing boys trying to get me. Cracks me up!

His first swig of COKE! Like father like son. I'm sure it would be a hoot to see this little energetic guy full of caffeine.

Big man is excited for something that just happened or is going to happen...I think? I love the thumbs up. It a universal sign for good things. I will probably be using this often with them.

Thumbs up again! The volunteers had just finished this boys dorm and painted it blue. It was not there when I was there so the timing is unknown to me.

I love this picture! I am so grateful for ALL the great volunteers who loved and hugged my kids as much possible. I hear Big Man cried when this volunteer left so if anyone knows her please let her know I am grateful!

Little Man got a pineapple FANTA (one of my favorite things about Ghana!) when the volunteers took some kids to the beach. He was proud of his yellow tongue.

I had to edit this "full body shot" in order to post it. I love big mans face in this picture. I love all the white bubbles on his dark skin. I love his missing teeth! I love the tiny wash bowl he is standing in, even though I cropped it out! LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!

Something funny seems to be going on!

Breaking the silence

So I purposely have not written a blog for quite some time. Being the optimist I am, I have been struggling with bad news and didn't want to spread it onto everyone else. As some of you know we postpone everything while the Ghanaian child trafficking unit investigated some things. This included interrogating Papa Ghana and our attorney for four hours. We were then told that we should not proceed with the adoption until birth certificates for both boys and the death certificate for their mother were in our possession.
Well, this turned into quite the process being that no one ever files anything in Africa. So with the help of the boys birth family we were able to file the death and births (paying twice the amount in late fees) and waiting, waiting, waiting for the registrar to process them.
GOOD NEWS...as of this morning we are in the possession of all three certificates and ready to go on to our next step...Court!
Thank you for all the prayers and well wishing. I am so grateful for all the friends and family that I have who support us and make this a little easier. I am so happy today! Its a good day!

Integrity

I have not posted any updates on here for a few weeks. To say the least it has been a very hard couple of weeks and I have wondered how much to say. In an older post I remember feeling so happy that things were gong so smoothly with our adoption and wondering if and when it would all come crashing down on us. Well, these past few weeks have taken a turn and left us smack dab in the middle of many predicaments that we never foresaw coming. One of those more serious predicaments questioned our integrity in a very emotional way. When you are told to jeopardize your integrity for the sake of something good does that justify it. No, you must be true and faithful at all times. This is where faith has come into play like I have never experienced before. We chose integrity over all else and though the consequences of our choice to be true to our selves and our God have been discouraging we are still hopeful and full of faith. I know we will be blessed by choosing to play by the Lords set of rules and not the worlds. Our timing for bringing home the boys is probably not going to happen the way we wanted it to happen but I believe these past few weeks were vital for R and me to grow, the mending of future Ghanaian adoption, and needful for the Lords timing.
There is song I love by Sara Groves called "He's always been faithful to me." It one of my favorite songs. He has never let me down, never failed to bless me after a trail, never have I regretted acting in accordance with what I know he wants me to do. He has always been faithful to me so I can not and will not ever be able to justify not being faithful to him.
We know we did the right thing. It cost us precious time. But what is time anyway? I know I will get my boys home and the day will come when they are sealed to me forever...so what is a few more months compared to forever.
No regrets!

Little Orphan Annie

Bluffdale Arts Council proudly presents

ANNIE

The Broadway Musical

Starring "BEE"

August 12-14, 2010

Rain Clouds

I am taking these blogs private because a big heavy cloud has settled over Ghana. I had a few scary moments in the past few days. I hope to someday spill my guts about everything on here but for now I will watch myself and just wonder why people act the way they do. I have never been one to judge so maybe it will all blow over. Maybe I will understand in time why certain people do what they do. Until then, I will just be a little more careful about things and keep my little chicks gathered a little more tightly under my wing...even if my wing has to stretch as far as Africa.
Tonight, I am truly grateful for kind Ghanaian voices who call me on the phone and tell me that I must not worry and everything will be okay. Your voice so close in my ear makes me feel that Ghana is not that far away after all. Thank you. You have no idea how much better I feel. I think I can sleep tonight. I think this cloud will blow over without a storm.

Coincidence or spiritual prompting?

R forgot his lunch today so I thought we would take it to him. Vera said she wanted to take a pizza and eat with him. I just could not stomach a pizza today so I decided I would get a sandwhich too. There is a little ceasars and a subway in the strip mall right across the street the from R's work . My first thought was that I would go there after I dropped Bee off at a party. Then I had this thought " I am not bringing 4 little kids into 2 different eating establishment" I could not leave them in the car without my oldest daughter so I asked her if she would mind coming to get the pizza and stuff before I took her. I knew it was going to be a little colder if I bought the food in our little city before driving to R but it was worth the trade off. I got the food, dropped off Bee and jumped on the freeway to eat lunch with R. A few hours later R sent me this news link. Apparently the store right next to Subway was robed at gunpoint today during the time I would have been next door with the kids getting food. It actually startled R because he thought I had gone across the street to get the food.
Coincidence or prompting? Hmmmm? You decided for yourself but as for me I already know the answer!

The way it should have been

Some "new" things have caused a slow down in our adoption. I say "new" because I am told they really were supposed to be happening in every adoption but were not. It has been this lack of following a standard set of rules that has put a big question mark between US and Ghanaian official as far as adoptions are concerned. They have now reinforced these rules and made some stricter guidelines in hopes that it will help make the adoption process more clear and lift the standard of Ghanaian adoptions.

Three major things are...
1. Only certain trained Social Welfare officers can handle adoption cases. There will be six of them in Accra.
2. A child must be in the adoptees care for 3 months prior to filing the adoption. This means that we can not file our adoption with the courts until the 24th of July. (supporting your child while they are living with a foster parent counts as "in your care")
3. I was also told that Ghanaian Social Welfare is considering signing the Hague treaty which will make it necessary for those who adopt from Ghana to follow the standards and protocol of the Hague.

All this will change the way adoption are done in the future and hopefully help protect the child and families from those with ulterior motives.

So, I have 2 weeks to sit and twiddle my thumbs until our court date. The past week has had a toll on me already and I am dreading two weeks more of these same feelings. I need to fill my summer days up with lots of fun. Hmmmm. I do have a room to paint but told myself I would not paint it until I filed my i-600's. I think I will throw a baby shower for my friend. Maybe plan a girls night out. Maybe I can head up yet another service project to rope my friends into.

Anyone have any other good ideas of how to pass this time?

Augh!

It has been my first of many very hard days. I am so blessed it has gone so smoothly and really this is not a huge problem so I will be fine, I hope. I am just a little frustrated.
We were told that our adoption court date would be set this week and that it would be finalized by Friday and that we could file our I600 early next week. Then...
We found out that we needed an affidavit from the boys Aunt. Our lawyer had to get a hold of her again and get her to Accra to sign papers. She won't be able to come until next Monday.
Then we found out that no court dates were being set because of some sort of strike between the government and the SW officers. They say its not going to last very long and should not impact our adoption but ...WHAT? I am waiting for further enlightenment on this since I don't understand what is going on here.

No Worries

We were informed today that our lawyer has a hard time filing our papers and getting the court date set because everyone is too preoccupied with the game tomorrow to go to work. That's Africa for you. It'd be great to live life like that. I love it! It is all kind of funny, I think. This song is not only the anthem for the world cup and is groovy to dance to, but the lyrics are awesome and have become kind of our adoption theme song. Everyone root for Ghana so that when they win the country will all be so happy and we will have our court date and get our boys... Like everyone keeps telling me over there " No Worries, No Worries!"

You're a good soldier
Choosing your battles
Pick yourself up
And dust yourself off
Get back in the saddle

You're on the front line
Everyone's watching
You know it's serious
We are getting closer
This isn't over

The pressure is on
You feel it
But you got it all
Believe it

When you fall get up, oh oh
If you fall get up, eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
Cuz this is Africa
Tsamina mina, eh eh
Waka waka, eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
This time for Africa

Listen to your God
This is our motto
Your time to shine
Don't wait in line
Y vamos por todo

People are raising
Their expectations
Go on and feed them
This is your moment
No hesitations

Today's your day
I feel it
You paved the way
Believe it

If you get down get up, oh oh
When you get down get up, eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
This time for Africa
Tsamina mina, eh eh
Waka waka, eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
Anawa a a
Tsamina mina, eh eh
Waka waka, eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
This time for Africa

Ode to an Uncle

I wrote this blog entry a long time ago but did not have a chance to reread it and publish before I hit some emotional term oil in my life. I have since looked it over and decided it was a good entry for fathers day! So, here it is. Happy reading!

April 4th, 2010
Once R and I were asked to give a talk at a youth fireside about fathers. This was a very hard topic for me. I felt I needed to direct it towards relationship you can build with your fathers while you are a youth. Being a "so called" adult at this point in my life my relationship with my father was what it was. There was no going back to change things. R was speaking first and I knew what he was gong to say. A lot of great stuff about growing up with a valiant priesthood leader in whom he completely trusted above all else in the world. That was going to be a hard act to follow. As I prayed for what to say I was able to remember some of the good times I had with my Dad. Though few, I did have some and they were placed more fervently in my mind. But the Lord wanted to show me something else. He wanted me to see that I was not forgotten about. I remember the words he said to me..." I have placed people in your life to make up for other things."
During my talk I spoke to those kids, a lot of who were going through situations of family drama and divorce. Something my life, at their age, had seen its share of. I told them,"He has not forgotten you. He sends people into your life to make up for the things lost somewhere else."
I shared a few stories about an Uncle who is and always will be dear to my heart. I don't know if he will ever really grasp how much he actually did for me but I still try to tell him when I can.
We lost touch for a while lately because they moved away but thanks to modern technology and the Internet (Thanks, Mr. Gore!) we have been reconnecting a little. I have been reading my cute cousin Megan's blog, lately. I'm older then her. In fact I used to babysit her. So the idea that she is all grown up with kids took me a little while to get use to. A few weeks ago I came across this picture on her blog and cried!


This is my Uncle Gary and my Aunt Gloria! (Well, it's supposed to be but I can't figure out how to make it smaller so you can see my beautiful Aunt, Sorry) I love them so much and did not realize how much I missed them until I saw them in this picture. They mean the world to me. Now, I am not sure if this was a costume party or not. However, it would not surprise me if Uncle Gary was sporting this pirate shirt all on his own free will.(This might be the same shirt that Jerry Seinfeld wore on the tonight show episode. I think a " Hey Uncle Gary, Jerry called and wants his shirt back" is in order here.)
Let me tell you why this would not surprise me...
Because my family situation being what it was, I was with them a lot more then a niece is usually with her uncle and aunt. Sometimes staying the whole summer. They took care of me. They loved me. I trusted them completely! Heavenly Father had put them into my life to make up for a lack of something somewhere else. Gloria would spend hours on my hair. I always wanted it in 50 tiny braids for girls camp and she willing ablidged me every year. She would talk to me and ask questions. She always wanted to know how I was feeling about life. She was so interested in me. She was my Rock! My firm place to stand when I could not find my own firm ground.
Now, Uncle Gary, he was my sky. When I felt too grounded and shut up all I needed to do was spend time with him. He always made me feel like I could do anything or be anyone I wanted to, and he was willing to help me go there. He always would put away the grown up things to do the things we really wanted to. I can't even begin to tell you all the things he taught me. I am sure my creativity stems from him. He taught me how to make wreaths out of grapevine, dry flowers, tile a mosaic, fence, make a sword out of a coat hanger and duct tape (this skill comes in very handy, really, I am not kidding. I just made 5 the other day)...the list goes on and on.
They introduced me to musical theatre which became a huge part of who I am and that helped me to feel special as I developed talents and overcame my own insecurities.
It has become apparent to me that my dear Aunt and Uncle are still teaching me with out even knowing it. I can see, through Megan's blog, that if you help give your children a firm place to stand while still helping them reach for the sky, you will end up with very bright, well rounded, creative children. Oh, I want that for my own children so badly. So, I will try a little harder to be more like my sweet Uncle and Aunt! I love you both, more then you will ever know!!!!!!!

Paperwork...my nemisis!

The plan was that we thought we would be ready file to our adoption papers with the Ghana courts a few weeks ago but each weeks seems to bring up a new detail we missed or something else that needs to get done with our paperwork. This should be the week. Cross your fingers and say a prayer for us that by the end of the week we will have a court date set.
Once we made the decision to adopt they became mine in my heart. I miss them. I need them home. We changed the kids sleeping arrangement around to empty a room for them. It is in the process of going from a purple princess room to orange boys room. We sold our mini van and are looking for a suburban to fit us all into. Not having found one yet, we are making due with a family of 7 getting around in a civic. This has it made it so that we don't go anywhere all together. So, everywhere I look I have reminders of what is not yet complete, our family. I tuck in kids at night and walk pass an empty room with a bed decked out in a sports theme waiting to comfort two very sweet boys as they fall asleep with no worries, in America.
I need a good solid date to look at with anticipation and count down to. I need to feel the process moving along. I hope all these little delays that have cost us a few weeks will end up shaving months off on the other end.
The girls can't wait for their brothers. They are so excited to go to the temple soon and be sealed to their brothers.
Every Sunday we call them and sing a primary song with them. I can feel the tone of our calls changing as we get to know each other. They laugh and shout and giggle when they hear us. No more strangers together.The excitement is building in everyone. Come on, court date, come to Mama!

Giveaway!

Everyone is doing giveaways on their blogs! I guess its the newest rage so what do I have to give away...HMMMM?

I've been trying to make room for two new comers so I've gotten rid of extra toys, bedding, and other stuff that I don't want or need. Its amazing how much junk you can put in a house that every claims is important. I wonder what will actually be missed if I just dump it all. I thought of having a yard sale but that just takes to much energy. So DI it is. I could give away an old pair of shoes or mismatched dishes that have accumulated around me but I just don't think they have much value.

I really don't have time to make a anything cute right now. My life has been adoption paperwork, cleaning, Annie, and selling my car to buy something I can fit 9 into. Now I enter Festival of Trees booking season on Monday when my phone starts ringing of the hook by performers fighting for the best time slots in December. So a cute craft giveaway is out of the question.

Then it dawns on me... my kids are drivin' me crazy!!!!!! They don't listen, they don't care, they whine and fight constantly, they don't want to anything, they talk back.
Is it the hot weather? Is it year round school? Is this another effect of global warming? Am I really adding two more kids to this chaos?
Can you just check into a mental institution for a weekend...kind of like a vacation? Do they have a spa there? I might have something here!

I've got it... Just enter a comment below and you may be entered into drawing and win one of my kids! The only catch is you don't get to chose which one you get and I will probably start missing them and ask for them back at any time.
Maybe you will win all of them for a weekend and I can sneak into their rooms and throw all the junk away without a fight.

Now thats a giveaway!

Only myself as company

WARNING: IF YOU WANT A HAPPY POST THIS IS NOT IT. I AM VENTING. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU SMILE, READ SOMETHING ELSE. OTHER WISE CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Its was hard to be released from the RS presidency in December. Harder then I thought it would be. I had gotten very use to meeting with my gals every Thursday, knowing who needed what, visiting everyone, taking meals into all the sister going through trials. It became a way of life, almost like breathing.
But then you are released and called to teach 4 years old about he gospel. Not only is it a struggle to have 12 four year old for two hours and try to teach them something. I also struggled not knowing what was going on with the women in the ward. I am not even in RS on Sundays so I have no Idea who is doing anything exciting, who is struggling nor do I get time to speak to anyone. I am not saying I am going crazy because I want to put my nose in every ones business, its just that there is a strong sense of sisterhood in the RS and I have lost that connection. So I've been lonely.
Now, I am really going to sound like a whiner because I at least had a few BFF's who called and we hung out quite a bit, especially when I felt lonely. Now they work full time. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I am blessed to be able to stay at home and be with my kids and that R has provided enough that I did not need to work. But those friends are not available to me anymore. So I became lonelier.
Then, two weeks ago R was called to be the Stake Executive Secretary. I am excited for this chance he will have to serve with great men and have some great experiences. However, Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday I am now a single mom. Not to mention that when he is home he is still so full of stress for work and his calling that I am basically an inanimate object. So my loneliness is in overdrive.
Will I get into a groove and find a balance again when things aren't so new and overwhelming? Is this the new way of life?
I thought I had become this really strong person but I feel very week lately. I feel so much pressure to keep the happy face for my families sake and then beat myself up for failing and snapping at someone. My cookie jar is empty but everyone just keeps taking from it somehow. I am tired of trying to be everything for everyone, consider everyone and then stay one step ahead of everyone so that when they need something, I forsee it and "ala peanut butter sandwhiches" I already have the solution. (I am sure you moms know what I am talking about here.)
On top of that, I wish I had some sort of skill and time to use it so that I could make some money and take a little stress off R shoulders. Especailly since we have all the extra expenses of our adoption right now.
I am trying to find my balance again. I wrote out a daily schedule of everything but some days I just feel so Blah. I am not a "why me" kind of gal so what is my problem!
I have to hold back tears and any signs that I am struggling because I am the mom. Nothing good comes from the mom breaking down and losing it...ever. Which builds the pressure inside and makes it worse, I know, I know.
Well, there you go everyone. Now you know what a baby I am.
Time to try and get my act together for the day. After all it's Thursday, so I am all I have.

I have few shirt left over from the fundraiser. They are $5 each and it all goes to orphans in Haiti!Let me know if you want one.

To see the shirts look on this link. The logo was done my talented Sister-in-law Anj.

I am waiting for the gong to go boom and hit me smack dab in the kisser.

Everyone warned me about the huge road blocks of an international adoption. I feel ready and prepared for those things to happen but every time I expect it ...it's smooth sailing. On top of everything, I have so many people coming out of the woodwork who sincerely care for the children of Ghana and hope to assist me in whatever means possible to get Big Man and Little Man home. It feels like the world is shrinking in size and is not as big as it once was. I am not deceiving myself, I am still prepared for this all to hit a major road block but I have faith that these are our kids and Heavenly Father wants them with their family ASAP. He is opening doors and using great people to assist us in getting this done. I think the road we took and the heartache we felt in finding them paved the way for us to be ready to handle everything now. Maybe it was just to help us see that this is truly his will so that when we could get frustrated, we remain strong and hopeful. I think all my experience since I first saw them until now have given me a firm foundation to stand on. Somethings can not be denied. Somethings can not be explained, only to say that they are the mysterious ways in which the Lord works to bring to pass that which He will.

Flower Power Pops!

If anyone else has the same problem I do then you also get frustrated when you spend lots of time or lots of money on a birthday cake that no one really eats. Your little guest eat one bite of cake, all the ice cream and then they leave the table. So I decided to make these instead. Brownie pops. Super easy but still a little time consuming. However, each kid took one and ate the whole thing! Problem solved! The leftovers (it makes a ton) I made little bouquets with and delivered to special people on mothers day. None of it went to waste. Vera loved them because they looked fancy and tasted great.
I also ended up making them for our fundraiser and we sold quiet a few. I just put a sucker bag on top before I put the paper flower on.

Easy Breezy Recipe
1 brownie mix (family size)
1 can cream cheese frosting
Almond bark or dipping chocolate
Sprinkles or small candy like nerds
sucker or kabob sticks
wax paper

Bake brownies. Let cool. Mix up brownies in large bowl with frosting. Roll into small balls. Poke a stick into each ball. Freeze for 3 hours. Melt chocolate in double boiler. Stick end of stick into chocolate then insert in pre-poked hole of ball. Let sit a few seconds. Dip ball (now fastened to stick) into chocolate. Cover completely, dip end in bowl of sprinkles and onto wax paper (sprinkle side down). Let sit till cool. Enjoy

Oh, you may want to only pull a few out of the freezer at a time so they don't thaw to fast. they are easier to work with the more frozen they are.

Cleaning up ...real nice!

Okay, so I have been dying to put pictures on here of my Little Ghana men. So Tah Duh...Here they are looking so snazzy in their new Sunday best. Kudos to MameGhana and PapaGhana for picking the red power ties. My favorite color for a tie. Look how handsome Big Man is! He is going to be running a boardroom someday or maybe even be the President of good ol' US of A.
This look of admiration is not uncommon with Little Man. HE. LOVES. HIS. BIG.BROTHER. I have a few pictures were he just looks at him so content and proud. I am proud! I am SOOOOOO Proud. R and I were thinking just last night...How much will they remember? We tried to think of the detail we remember from our own lives when we were their ages. Even living with their foster family now is a huge lifestyle change. The hustle and bustle of the big city is so different from the squaller were they came from. I think it will make the culture shock of coming to America a little easier for them.
Wonderul PapaGhana sent me primary pictures too. I am grateful for the gospel and the constant it brings with it. They will go to primary in Ghana and go to primary in America. Songs will be the same, lessons will be the same, structure will be the same. That is huge blessing to us.
Vera sent an email to PapaGhana, unbeknowist to R and I. I did not realize until he responded to her. She thanked him for taking care of her brothers and told him she already loved them so much. It made me cry. My children never cease to amaze me. I am so blessed to be the mother of such wonderful kids.
I am also so grateful for technology. I can get a hold of PapaGhana in a matter of seconds. He is able to send me pictures he just took that morning. Even though I am far away I have moments that I am able to feel very close to them.
I am grateful!
I am happy!
Life is Good!

Celebrating Mothers

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!
This mothers day I celebrate my own sweet mother who gave birth to me, raised me through trailing circumstances and helped make me who I am today.
I also celebrate the Best.Mother.in.Law.anyone.could.ask.for. She is one of my biggest supporters and greatest friends. I never feel judged by her or "not good enough" in anyway. I LOVE HER!
I am blessed with a Nana who loves the heck out of me. She is a huge blessing in my life.
I have Aunts and good friends who have filled the role of "Mother" here and there, through out my life. I am thinking of them too, today.
But this Mothers Day holds a special meaning to me because of a new mother in my life. MameGhana, who watches over my little Ghana men. She has no obligation to do it. Except that she feels it is the right thing to do. She is my sister. I am grateful to her. The first time I spoke to her I was overcome with tears. She said "No worries. No worries, I will take care of your boys for you until you can come." Her voice is like an angel to me. Today when I made my Sunday call they put the boys on. It was the first time I spoke to them since I was in Ghana. The first time I ever even heard their voices because they did not speak much at LH. I don't even know if they remember me. They said "Hello, mummy. How are you" It was the greatest Mothers Day gift they could have given me. Thank you MameGhana.
I am trying to prepare myself for the long road ahead. I have had an extreme amount of excitement and happiness but I know that getting those boys will be one of the hardest trials of my life. Each day seems like a week. But my calls each Sunday will get me through to the next.
It's a good day.Happy Mothers Day!

A new identity

So I have thought about what to call my little men. I don't know why I did not think of it sooner. It was obvious from the very start because I used these names in Ghana since I did not know their names. They will be referred to as Little Man and Big Man.
Things are slowly starting to happen. It has been tricky trying to communicate with people on the other side of the world. I think we are getting the timing worked out. I am assembling a good team to help me.
I heard great news today! My Men know who I am. They know they have a mommy in America that loves them and that I will come and see them ASAP. They also have been informed that they will fly in a aeroplane to America when Mommy gets all the paper work done. They are so excited to fly into the sky! They know they have a family waiting to shower them with love.
I am so blessed to know that they see my face and the word "mama" may fall form their lips. I stand all amazed! I know who's hands are arranging the pieces. I am grateful that He would give me this honor of raising the two most awesomest kids in Africa. I almost can't believe it.
Papa Ghana and Mama Ghana are wonderful ( Foster Daddy and Mommy)! Papa Ghana told me some funny stories today of Little Man. He is a handful but so fun and full of life, just as I remember him. Big Man is struggling because he does not feel to good. I am not sure there has ever been a day that he was not in pain. He now has a team of people who care for him and can help him get better. They are both doing so well and adjusting to their safe environment. I am so grateful to know that we have so much support both in Ghana and here.

African Snows

My heart is full of joy as I write this blog entry. I don't know where to begin except to say that I have never been so aware that the Lord is so aware of me.
I have blogged about my journey to find my children on my other blog but now that I know, without a doubt, what the Lord has been telling me, I will blog about it here, on our family blog because they are our family now.
R and I have had some experiences this weekend that have testified that the Ghana boys are to be ours. (More people will be reading this blog so I have taken their names and our other children's names out. My two Ghana boys still need aliases but I am trying to be creative with that.) I have spoken to their beautiful Foster Mother and she has assured me that she will love them like her own so I have no worries until I can come and get them.
We are filing papers this week. I want to share more thoughts about this but it's Monday and I have been waiting (not very patiently) to get a hold of some of the key players in this journey and get everything rolling. So this entry will be short.
I will say that I have grown so much in the past 4 months of my life. I see things differently and I know my perspectives have changed and evolved as the trails of the past have taught me. I was not ready 4 month ago to take on this adventure but I wanted to be and Heavenly Father has shaped me and pruned me to be ready. I know we are still going to stand on rocky ground here and there but I know the outcome because He has let me see it. And IT.IS.SO.WORTH.IT!
I will stand steadfast and immovable and have faith that day will come. And when it does we will celebrate...GHANA STYLE!

Hosanna!

The boys are safe and sound and in the care of their new foster family, in whom I will be eternally grateful! Thank you to everyone! This means so much to me. I am grateful for all the prayers offered on their behalf. I have the "bestest" friends and family in the world. Your faith helped make this Red Sea part. Now they can rest and heal without worry and without being afraid. They have a warm bed, food to eat and gentle hands to be there for them. This is the beginning of a new chapter of their life...who knows what will come next.

The world of adoption

I had no idea that entering the world of adoption would be such a roller coaster. Especially, the adoptions that we have been lead to. We stand at a crossroads of two different international adoptions. Neither one of them have been "normal" even for international standards.
In Haiti, we do not know the children and need to be matched. We thought we were getting them through Humanitarian Visa but then the government changed to the pre-earthquake ways of doing things and now I start the paperwork over again and have to wait longer.
In Ghana, I am looking at two boys who I know and fell in love with in an instant. They are sweet, and have been through a lot in their young lives. They are everything that the savior teaches us to be. Only now, things have come out about the person they were with and all the lies he told and horrible things he has done. Social Welfare has shut down the orphanage ( rightly so!) But he took those two beautiful boys and hid them somewhere so no one could find them.
My heart has been paining me for days. It has a big empty spot in it. I want to jump on a plane to Ghana and go look for myself.

The only thing I can do is have Faith and Pray.

Other people have asked me why I don't just adopt nationally or even foster, it so much easier. I agree and I know it is (don't get me wrong, it's still hard, I know). That would be great if that was what I was supposed to do. I have prayed about that and I am not being lead in that direction. A "stupor of thought" comes over me.

Somehow, we are supposed to go down this bumpy road.

I have not blogged about much of this on my family blog, but I felt I needed to write something now. You can read more that I have written here. I ask for prayers for us, for the missing boys and for the children of Haiti. All of which I am unsure of the exact connection but SURE of a connection.

I have doubted from time to time and laid blame on myself that I have lead my family down this road only because of my own desires. Every time I get to that point I have distinct moments of knowing I need to go on with this journey and being lifted by those familiar feelings of tender encouragement from above. I am sorry it is not turning out how we would of imagined but I am still being told to carry on. I know this is a trail of our faith.

Some people might wonder why I use this very public outlet for spiritual things. I have learned that adoption is a very spiritual thing and I could not write or talk about it without being so. I feel extremly close to the Him and that is how I know I am doing His will. I write because it helps me process, it keeps my family and friends informed, and I hope that it may help others that are traveling down this road too. It is my testimony and I will not be afraid to share it.

Lessons from a sunrise

I prayed all night for understanding. My heart needed peace. I don't do well with anger and it was eating me alive. I have a lot of weaknesses, but I always felt that my spiritual intuition was a great strength. I was full of doubt, second guessing all details of my life these past few month...who was I? I was so lost.
Sleep did not come easily that night. I woke up very early and was afraid to go back to sleep and see the vivid brown faces that have so occupied my dreams lately. I could make out the blueish-grey light poking in through my blinds. I knew the sun had not come up but it was on its way. The Sun! How I needed the sun to shine on my face. Maybe it would warm my heart as it did my cheeks.
I carefully climbed out of bed and tucked the covers back over the sleeping snowman. I wrapped myself in my big robe, a blanket and for added comfort grabbed my scriptures.
The air was cold but fresh and it filled my lungs that burned from so much crying. Sitting in a chair, I opened up my scriptures. My friend had sent me a scripture reference to help me deal with everything. I would read it again. My red, swollen eyes tried to focus on the page.

D&C:6
20 ... I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.
I can feel them, they feels good

21 Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.
Yes, it seems very dark and I need thy light

22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.
Lots of questions that I always felt got answered. Why do I doubt now?

23 Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?
He speaks to me, he is speaking to me. He know me.

I can not read through the tears that have returned. How can I have any left?
The sun is not up yet. I need the sun and search the horizon for any sign. Which peak will is come over? I find the brightest point. It must be there.
I watch my dog sleeping under the slide. She does not know I am here or else she would get up and jump around for me. She is peaceful. I want to feel peaceful. A little voice coaxes me to read more.

...Therefore, if you will ask of me you shall receive; if you will knock it shall be opened unto you...

Behold thou hast a gift, and blessed art thou because of thy gift. Remember it is sacred and cometh from above—

It amazes me that He knows me so well. It is a testimony to the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I look for the Sun. It is still not up. I know it will come up. It has to. It always did. I see the horizon getting brighter. Small rays of light are shining forth. Still no Sun?

And if thou wilt inquire, thou shalt know mysteries which are great and marvelous; therefore thou shalt exercise thy gift, that thou mayest find out mysteries, that thou mayest bring many to the knowledge of the truth, yea, convince them of the error of their ways...

If thou wilt do good, yea, and hold out faithful to the end, thou shalt be saved in the kingdom of God, which is the greatest of all the gifts of God; for there is no gift greater than the gift of salvation.

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.

Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth;

Why have I doubted? What is making me doubt? Who is making me doubt?
The rays are brighter but still no sun. I know it is there. How can this be? I have been out here waiting so long. The birds are chirping at the rays of light. They are waiting too. They know it is coming.
My dog wakes up stretches. She knows it is time for the day to begin. She sees me on the deck and is confused why I am out here.

Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.

I tell thee these things as a witness unto thee—that the words or the work which thou hast been writing are true.

Therefore be diligent...

... Be patient; be sober; be

temperate; have patience, faith, hope and charity.

...and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore Treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.

Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I am the same that came unto mine own, and mine own received me not. I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.

Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?

And now, behold, you have received a witness; for if I have told you things which no man knoweth have you not received a witness?

... even so am I in the midst of you.

...Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

...Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen.

I must be a lot like Olivery Cowdery. It seems as if I always end up being prompted to read revelation originally for him. I am fearful of things. I am worried about making the wrong decisions and going the wrong direction on this. I usually have so much Faith in myself. But I know He knows my heart and He knows what I am capable of. Maybe I will end up surprising myself. Maybe this is just because he has so much confidence in me. Maybe I can do this.

I sit and ponder what I have read, what He has said to me. I have no doubt that he is speaking to me. I wait and wait for the sun to rise. It is getting cold. The tears on my cheeks freeze. No sun.

I should go back in. The kids will be waking up soon.

I go back in, shed my rob and crawl into my warm bed. Snowman wakes up and we chat a little. The studman comes in with his morning smile and crawls in with us. We giggle and laugh at his happy personality. I look out the window. The sun shines bright above the peaks, right where I had known it would come up. Its warm through the windows.

Understanding comes. I am enlightened.

My sun will rise. It may take longer then I anticipate but before I know it, it will happen. Until then I have tiny rays of light to give me hope and renew my faith. My sun will rise.

Sad things

Sad things are happening right now to a lot of people I love. Most of those people have only recently entered my life. Some of those people I thought would become my people. It is such a sad thing when the best interest of children are brushed under the mat for greedy purposes. Selfish, corrupt people who indeed have their free agency too. Prayer for the Families of little victims, for children who will not be granted their full rights to be raised in a good family with mothers and fathers who will love them.

I don't want to be a mom so much anymore.

So I've been thinking a lot about my full time job as a mom, lately. Then after watching conference something hit me. So, I have a little experiment I want to try with you.

Everyone close your eyes...okay, wait. That won't work cause you can't read the screen. Let's try again.

I want you to think of the word "mom", what do you picture? Close your eyes for a second if you need to visualize it.

Good... Part two...

Now, I want you to think of the word "Mother". Are there different things that come into your head, just by altering the word?

Hmmm.

During conference they talked a lot about Mothers. Never did they say the word "mom". I thought that was interesting. I thought about how inspired I was after conference to be a better mother.

Let me tell you how the experiment worked on me when I tried it on myself...and Snowman.
When I think of "mom", I think of carpool, cooking dinner, homework, laundry, doing hair, cleaning house, volunteering at school, grocery shopping, etc. It's a busy word to me. I think of juggling hectic schedules. I think of cramming as much as I can into as little time as possible so I can get more stuff done in the long run. I think staring at the clock and waiting for the sun to set so I can put my kids to bed and be done with them for the day. If I really focus on it and start to over think it, it also makes me feel tired, unappreciated and stressed.

What does the word "Mother" make me think of. I think of snuggling in chair to read a story. I think of holding my angels as they are sleeping in my arms and softly whispering a primary tune in their ears. I think of laying with my older girls in the grass with the warm sun kissing our skin and talking about matters of the heart. I think of singing silly songs and building forts in the family room. I think of baking cookies and letting them eat more dough then cookies, just because I want to see them smile. I think of the sound of my kids giggling as I give them extra time in a bubble bath. It makes me think about time in a different way, slowing it down and savoring the moments with my children. The word mother is relaxed and slower. It is peaceful as it roles off your tongue. It makes me feel more closely associated to my divine role as a Daughter of God and what a great and beautiful responsibility Heavenly Father gave me by blessing me with children.

I don't want to be MOM so much anymore. I have pretty much mastered that role anyway. I am going to focus more on being a MOTHER. Yes, I think I would rather be a good Mother.

Sad day

For those of you who read this blog but not my other one ( I know...two blogs?) We know that we have children somewhere else and through adoption, we are looking for them. I had a blow to the heart today and I posted it on the other blog so if you want to read it its right here.

Proud moments

I am many things but I am a mom first.

Sometimes, I am proud of that statement. Sometimes, I cringe at that statement. For example, When you have a fun thing planned for yourself and you get all dolled up (because you have not put any make up on or washed your hair in two weeks). You feel so great and excited and as you walk to the door to leave and someone throws up.

Sometimes, I feel like I have too many kids that I can't give any of them the right amount attention they need and I pledge to pay for their therapist when they grow up, if I am indeed the cause of their trials.

Sometimes, I feel like I am just flying by the seat of my pants on this roller coaster ride called motherhood. When I am making a decision that one of my kids does not like and I have stand my ground when they question me....and pretend that I am not already questioning myself.

Sometimes, I am just so proud of myself and my kids. It's been one of those weeks. Here's the pictures to prove it.

Happy 7th, my Beautiful Boo.

I was a little nervous to attempt this at home spin on build-a-bear with 8 little girls. I enlisted the help of grandma and our baby sitter to insure less burns from the glue guns. I bought bears at DI, washed them and laid out all sorts of fabric, and embellishments. I let the kids have at it. They made they cutest outfits and had a blast. It was a hit!

Okay some of them are not smiling in this pic but they did have great time. Promise.

History and Science fair...not far to the moms!

Bee never ceases to amaze me. I don't give her the credit she deserves. She is one of my proudest achievements. Among late nights and begging with her get her homework done, she always ends up exceeding my expectations. Here she is at Science Fair. The nice thing about her love for rocks is that it is a cheap hobby.

I don't have a picture of her there but she did a history report on the newsies strike. She won at the school level, a few months ago, and competed in the district level last Friday. It was in the performance category and she wrote a monologue of a mill girl telling the story from her point of view. She memorized it and performed it. I cried like a baby, I was so proud. She took third place.

Sometimes, I have these moments were I do feel like I'm a good mom after all.
Today anyway, after all, tomorrow is another day.

All better!

Yep, all better!

Ouch!

Have you ever locked a facet joint in your neck? I hope you never do. It is totally debilitating as well as painful! I can barely move my neck and left shoulder or arm. Between my chiropractor friend and my PA friend..I am recovering ...slowly.
Thanks to my painkiller friend and my muscle relaxer friend, I'm not crying anymore.

I think Hunter knows that I can't chase him because he has been extra trouble lately. He even went to the park all by himself the other day...Aaahhhh!
Thanks to all my friends who have driven me to and from the docs and who have watched my kids while I recover.

Why do I always feel so bad for my family when I am hurt or sick? I think the guilt is the worst part.Is there a pill for that?

Don't rain on my parade...or snow either!

We have an Irish dancer in our family. So as you can imagine March is a crazy dancing month for us. We always know that the Saturday before Patty's Day, we will be at the gateway waiting with excitement to see our sweet Lulu float by with her curly locks and kilt. Its a very long parade but that is usually fine by us becaue hey, it's a parades. I usually position the fam right at the end (in front of Bens cookies...although its not Bens cookies anymore). I like sitting her for 3 reason.
1. I can park underneath and not have a long way to walk.
2. I can grab Lily right off the float instead of chasing her down.
3. Those die hard Irish guys in the parade are always plastered by the end and make it so much more enjoyable to watch.
So this year I ship Lily off early to ride down with friends. I pack em' up, lunch- cause sometimes it runs pretty long, wagon- easier I can get 2 kids plus... in that thing, and because it looks a little nippy outside, I throw in blankets and umbrellas. Ryan has gotten out of the parade 2 year in a row. Not sure how, but he has. So I am all alone. Its okay because Mom and Dad are heading down and meeting me there. As I'm driving down I-15 I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. I don't feel like I want to pull out my hair, the kids are happy...hmmm...looks like rain clouds are settling in over SLC.
We get there, stake our claim. Side note... okay lady in the chair. I understand that you and Gramps want to see your grand kids in the parade too but I am a single mom (for the morning) lugging around 4 kids in the rain, who just want to sit in front of your chair. We end up standing behind her and listen to her whine about the crowd. She finally turns to the crowd and says ...fine...I just can't see what I want anyway and storms off. Her husband politely moves her chair and says.
"Do your kids want this spot?"
"Thank you sir."
Mom and Dad call and say "Its snowing up here, give Lily a kiss for us"
Rain
Rain
Rain
falling temps
crying
rain
crying
more rain
Where is Lily's float?
Mommy, I need to go potty. I beg the girls at Roxy to let me use the restroom. So nice of them!
crying (all 4 children now)
Everyone slowly high tails it out of there. At least we have great seats now.
Four kids soaked to the bone, blue lips, red fingers...
Is that snow?
2 hours later...Here comes Lily.
I turn on the camcorder to catch her famous beauty queen smile....
Oh, make that 5 kids crying and soaked to the bone.

I get her off the float and run to the parking garage. They are all soaking and sobbing. I should be crying too but realize insanity has hit because I am laughing my head off. I load them in the car. I don't even realize my fingers are numb until I need to close the umbrellas and take Lily's soaking wig off. I finally do it and we drive home. Hmmm....I can totally handle more kids!
Happy St. Patricks Day All!